Where I Am

So I'm not here often and I'm planning on leaving Tumblr once and for all.

If you guys wanna find me, I'm on Twitter and Dreamwidth. Pillowfort too soon.

Questioning Post: Part 5 - General Stuff

• As a child you always thought you’d either never get married or platonically marry a friend.

No, I don't think so.

• You think that because you could survive dating, marrying, and/or having sex with a man, you’re attracted to men (hint: you don’t have to settle for just surviving).

I don't know, I don't date. N/A

• The men in your fantasies are faceless or symbolise an emotion.

Possibly, yes.

• You don’t like fantasising about men. After fantasising about men you feel uncomfortable or wrong.

I don't know. Maybe?

• You think you have to learn how to love men.

I don't know? I don't think I've felt this way?

• You think men-attracted women over-exaggerate their attraction to men and you can’t comprehend finding a man as attractive as they do.

I have no idea. Sometimes? My friends/cousins always like these dudes that I think are way less attractive than them.

• You can’t imagine being so invested in a man/relationship with a man or valuing a man/relationship with a man as much as men-attracted women.

I don't know, honestly.

• Men expressing their attraction to men is more relatable than women expressing their attraction for men. (There’s something specific about same-gender attraction that any form of it is just more relatable than different gender attraction.)

I don't know? I certainly prefer m/m or f/f couples to f/m couples in media, but I think that that's because there's so few of them?

• You think you just have to give men a chance.

N/A, I don't date.

• You feel very uncomfortable reading or watching m/f erotica, or even just general m/f romantic interactions.

No, I don't think so? I haven't read m/f erotica in a while though, so. I watch het porn, and it doesn't make me uncomfortable as much as I just find it sort of boring.

• Other people tell you you’re acting like an over-invested lesbian ally or you feel like you are acting like an over-invested lesbian ally.

Not specifically a "lesbian ally," but it used to be this way before I started ID as bi.

• You think your relationships with men don’t work out because you’re bad at relationships in general.

N/A

• You think you just have high standards and that’s why you don’t want to date any men.

Possibly? A friend of mine did tell me I have "high standards" once.

• You think you’re just a late bloomer and will be attracted to men eventually.

No, I've had crushes on men/boys before.

• The only men you’re attracted to are those who hurt you, harass you, or abuse you.

When I was a kid I had a crush on boys that were cruel to me, but I haven't since. Men who are abusive or mean to me, tend to repulse me.

• You think it’s impossible for lesbians to have a happy future with women, but you think you could be the exception to the rule (this ties in with internalised homophobia).

N/A, I definitely think it's possible for wlw to be in happy, fulfilling relationships with other wlw.

• Do you love them because they’re your boyfriend or are they your boyfriend because you love them? If it’s the first, you might not actually be attracted to them.

 N/A, never had a boyfriend.

• You go through past memories trying to prove your attraction to men (”But I had a boyfriend when I was 13!”).

Yes, I do do that.

• You put yourself through having romantic or sexual relationships with men to prove to yourself and other people that you’re attracted to men.

N/A

• You know that lesbians exist but you think you can’t possibly be one of them because if you were, you’d know already - very common!

Yes, yeah.

• You think you’re attracted to men but just don’t want to date them.

Maybe? Yeah, Kind of.

• You don’t like kissing/touching/having sex with your husband/boyfriend or you’re not attracted to your husband/boyfriend, but it must be because he’s not the one for you (or another excuse).

N/A

• Most of your experiences with men are/were men being attracted to you, and you sort of going along with it.

N/A

• You find yourself wishing you could just have one hot fling with a woman just to try it out, or fantasise about it.

N/A, I already ID as bi.

• You think attraction is just “not being disgusted by a man.”

No? I don't think that's what I think attraction is? I think?

• You enjoy consuming f/f erotica a lot more than any other type, and find fantasising about women a lot more satisfying than any other fantasy.

Not particularly, I prefer m/m.

• You crave “platonic” physical contact with your female friends but wish that men would just leave you alone.

Yes, maybe? It has mostly been platonic (I think.)

• You’re only attracted to men whose attention would somehow be profitable (i.e. men in positions of power such as your boss).

N/A

• Deciding who to be attracted to, or asking people who you should crush on.

Perhaps? I'm not sure.

• You try to pursue your feelings for other women through going on “platonic dates” with women and “practising on women.”

N/A, I don't date and I already know I'm bi. I've never been into the whole "practicing" thing.

• You think you’re too young/busy to be attracted to men or have a fulfilling relationship with a man.

Maybe? Yes?

• “I would totally date [x woman] if they were a guy!! ! !!”

I don't think I've said that in my life,  no.

• You have abstract crushes that you don’t actually want to progress into romantic and/or sexual relationships - very common.

Yes, I think so?

• You date men because it’s what you’re supposed to do, and stay with them because you can’t find a good reason to break up.

N/A

• You really want to be a lesbian and only date women but feel like you can’t because of some lingering, vague idea of attraction to men, but the idea of dating a man is distressing, gross, upsetting, boring, unsatisfying, or makes you feel trapped.

I don't know, maybe?

• Being very specific with the men you’re “interested” in but having absolutely no type when it comes to girls because they’re all so beautiful.

I honestly have no clue. Maybe?

• You wish your boyfriend/husband was more like a female friend.

N/A

• It seems like you have to force yourself to find guys attractive, have crushes on them, etc.

Sometimes? Maybe?

• You feel grossed out by/neutral towards heterosexual romance, but not romance between women.

No, I don't think so? I mean perhaps irl, I feel neutral and sometimes grossed out. In media, it's fine. Sometimes I really like het couples even.

• You couldn’t imagine yourself being in a very long-term relationship with/married to a man.

I don't know? Maybe?

• You feel like you could have a romantic relationship with a man but not a sexual relationship, or vice versa.

Yes, vice versa.

• Your attraction to men feels less real than your attraction to women, and it feels much more forced.

I have no idea. Sometimes I doubt my attraction to women too.

Conclusion:

I suppose this was helpful to an extent, but overall I'm still confused. Now I'm both uncomfortable saying I'm bi, because what if I'm not actually bi?; but I'm also not quite comfortable calling myself gay/lesbian either, so that's great! /sarcasm

I wish I had more experience with relationships so I could know for sure. I know that's not technically a requirement, but at this point I'm not sure what else I could do to "test," who I'm attracted to.

Questioning Post: Part 4 - Straightness and Gender

• Having a lot of conflicting gender feelings that are only possible to resolve once you understand you are/can be a lesbian.

I do have complicated feelings about gender, but I'm not sure if this is applicable since idrk if I'm a lesbian yet. Maybe?

• Thinking that being GNC and feeling a disconnect from traditional womanhood means that you can’t be a woman, even if that’s what feels closest to right. Many lesbians are GNC and many lesbians feel disconnected from traditional womanhood since it’s so bound up in the heteropatriarchy.)

I'm not GNC, but I did/do feel some disconnect from womanhood, so... maybe?

• Knowing you’re attracted to women and not being able to parse that (esp + any gender non-conformance) as gay, taking a long time to figure out if you’re a straight man or a lesbian.

I did consider being a trans man for a hot second, but I mostly feel like this is N/A. Though perhaps this is about trans women and not me?

• Being dysphoric about the parts of you that make straight men think your body is owed to them, having to figure out what that dysphoria means for/to you.

Sort of? Not sure.

• Knowing you’re attracted to women, but feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable trying to interact with them as a straight man, and only later realizing you’re actually a trans lesbian.

N/A, I'm not trans.

• Knowing you’re gay, but experiencing a lot of the symptoms of comp het or coercive heteronormativity, when you try to interact with men romantically and/or sexually, and only later realizing you’re a trans lesbian and not a gay man.

N/A

• Being non binary and taking a long time to sort through being able to respect/understand your non binary identity and your lesbianness at the same time

N/A, I stopped ID as nb.

• Thinking that all straight girls feel at least some attraction to women

Sort of? I definitely used to think that.

• Thinking that your interest in seeing attractive women/scantily clad women/boobs is an artificial reaction caused by the objectification of women in media.

Yes, yes.

• Being really into how women look “aesthetically”/“just as artistic interest.”

Yes, before I started ID-ing as bi.

• Thinking it’s objective and uncontested that almost all women are way more attractive than most men.

Yes, doesn't everyone? Even my grandma thinks that, and I'm pretty sure she's straight unless she's a deeply closeted bi.

• Being a really intense LGBT+ “ally” and getting weirdly emotional about homophobia but assuming you’re just a Really Good Ally and very empathetic.

Yes, before I started identifying as bi.

• Having like half your friend group turn out to be LGBT+.

Don't have a lot of friends right now, so this is N/A.

• Getting emotional or having a strong reaction you don’t understand to f/f love stories etc.

Yes, and m/m as well.

• Having had people think you were gay when you had no suspicion you were gay.

There were people who thought I was bi, does that count?

Questioning Post: Part 3 - Women and Attraction

• Feeling like you could live with a woman in a romantic way, even if you can’t imagine doing anything sexual with a woman.

I've identified as bi for a while, so I can imagine both. N/A

• Feeling like you could enjoy sexual interaction with a woman, even if you can’t imagine having romantic feelings for a woman.

N/A

• Thinking you couldn’t be a lesbian because you’re not attractive enough, cool enough, or otherwise in the same league as most of the women you know

Yes.

• Interacting with het sex/romance in media by imagining yourself in the man’s position or just never/rarely imagining yourself in the woman’s position.

Maybe. Yes?

• Really focusing on the women in heterosexual porn.

Yes!!

• Being really into the idea of kissing/being sexual with a woman ‘to turn guys on.’

Uh, no. I definitely don't think so.

• Being really annoyed when guys actually do express interest in watching or joining in when you do that

N/A

• Only feeling/expressing attraction to or sexual interest in women when you’re inebriated or otherwise impaired.

No, I identify as bi already. Also, I don't drink or take drugs, so this is N/A as well.

• Seeing a relationship between two women elicits a much stronger and more real emotional reaction than het relationships ever do.

Yes, I think so?

• You get anxiety around men and feel more comfortable in settings with women.

Eh, depends? Maybe?

• You have very high standards for men you might date, and comparatively lower standards when it comes to women.

I don't know. I do have a very specific type of women that I'm attracted to, but I am also attracted to other types of women sometimes so.

• Being mistaken for a couple with one of your (girl) friends is exciting for you, and being mistaken for a couple with one of your (guy) friends elicits no reaction or feels weird or wrong.

I have no idea, tbqh.

• None of your girl friend’s partners are ever good enough for them, and you take it very personally, and you don’t feel the same way about the men you’re friends with.

No? Pretty much none of this I think.

• Wanting to be a lesbian, but feeling like if you don’t already know you are one you can’t be.

Yes? Maybe?

• Feeling guilty about wanting to be a lesbian, feeling like you’re just attention-seeking or trying to be trendy.

Yes? I also felt this way about being bi, being nb (which I'm not) and being on the ace/aro spectrum.

• You think, or fear, that you might be a lesbian, and you find yourself somewhat constantly/desperately trying to prove to yourself that you’re not.

Maybe? I don't know. Not fear per se, but I do question sometimes, and then try to prove I'm not.

• Suppressing your lesbian dreams, because you think exploring that desire would mean you’re a bad/homophobic person using lesbian-ness selfishly.

I don't really understand what this means.

• Wishing you were a lesbian to escape the discomfort of dating men

N/A, I don't date

• Fantasizing about how much fun it would be to be a lesbian and just be with women/a specific woman, but thinking that can’t be for you

I don't know? I already ID as bi, so N/A

• Worrying that some of your past attraction to men was actually real so you can’t be a lesbian

Yes, definitely.

• Worrying that because you can’t be 100% sure you’re not attracted to men, and can’t be 100% sure you won’t change your mind, you can’t be a lesbian.

YESS!!!

• Worrying that you only want to be a lesbian because of trauma, and that means your lesbian-ness would be Fake.

I don't think so? I do have some trauma, but I can't discern how much it's affected me.

• Worrying that trauma-induced complications in how you experience sex (e.g., a habit of self-harming via sex w men or a fear of any sex at all) mean you’re not a Real Lesbian(TM).

N/A, I don't have sex.

Questioning Post: Part 2 - Relationships with Men

• Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man.

Kind of? I think so, I don't know.

• Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image.

Mmm, I guess this too?

• You have every reason to be happy in your relationship with a man, but you just aren’t / everything is going really well, but something is missing and you can’t figure out what.

N/A, I haven't dated anyone.

• Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that.”

Yes? I'm kind of leaning towards yes on this one.

• Thinking you’re commitment-phobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it.

N/A

• Going along with escalation because it seems like the ‘appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

N/A

• Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness

N/A

• Your relationships with men are devoid of passion.

N/A

• Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify.

Maaaaybe? Not sure if this applies either.

• Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic.

Oh, god, this hits a bit too close. Yes?

• Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually.

N/A

• Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends.

N/A

• Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals.

N/A

• Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless.

N/A

• After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with.

N/A

• Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Perhaps? A little, but that's also a common aro feeling which is something I think/thought I am.

• Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness. but because you like feeling wanted.

N/A

• OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore.

N/A

• Having to be drunk or high to have sex with men.

N/A, I don't drink or take drugs and I've never had sex.

• The idea of kissing, cuddling, dating and/or having sex with men is really scary/anxiety inducing, and the idea of doing any of those things with women isn’t (or is noticeably less scary).

Perhaps? I have no idea, tbh!

• Your fantasies about men still somehow turn out to be a little gay. Maybe you’re penetrating him, you don’t have to look at his face/don’t want to look at his face, you want a threesome with another woman, he’s very feminine, etc. It might be a “straight fantasy” but you’ve altered it in a way straight people might not be totally interested in.

I don't think so, but I have very few fantasies where I imagine myself with anyone, I prefer to imagine other people having sex. No?

• Thinking because you don't like/pursue sex with men you must be asexual. Or vice versa with romance for men.

I did think I was demisexual at one point, does that count?

• Your fantasies about men give you intense distress or anxiety. They could be intrusive thoughts, forms of self-harm, or otherwise.

I don't think so? Certainly not "intense anxiety," no.

• When I think about guys, I think about all the things that I could tolerate doing with them (dating, kissing, sex, marriage), but always in terms of what I could force myself to do, not what I want to do.

No? I don't think so, but again I haven't dated, so.

• Being around guys that are interested in me gives me intense anxiety.

Kind of? Yes.

• Feeling weird/wrong calling your past boyfriends pet names or showing them PDA, but gladly showing your girl friends PDA.

N/A, but I've always been okay with showing an acceptible amount of pda to my friends, who are girls.

• Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred.

N/A Does only being interested in "intense" porn scenarios count?

• Using sex with men as a form of self-harm.

N/A

• You don’t have much of an emotional reaction to kissing or being otherwise physical with a man, or you even dislike/hate it.

N/A

• Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and/or think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason).

N/A

• Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it.

N/A

• Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him.

N/A

• Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as non-detailed as possible, or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing

Not never, but yes.

• Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to.

Yes, usually.

• Early interest in women

I believe I had crushes on girls as young as 7-8, but I didn't recognize them as crushes at the time. I did feel more comfortable around girls when I was younger.

• Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women.

Yes!

• Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women, when you’re not that way with anyone else.

Mmm, kind of? Maybe?

• Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)

No, I've never really wanted to do that, too afraid to come off as gay, I suppose. Also I've always wanted my first kiss to mean something, as cheesy as that sounds.

• Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend.

Yes.

• Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic

Yes.

• Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent

Possibly?

• Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate

Yes, several times, but I already know I like women.

• Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”

Not particularly, no. But then again, I've never been in a relationship.

• When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend!”

Yes, maybe?

• Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people

Utterly fascinated no, but I've definitely been fascinated with queer women in media. Let's say maybe.

• Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica).

Sort of? Yes.

• Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men and being more careful not to look than they are.

I haven't been in a locker room since I was in high school, and I can't remember anything specific? Maybe? This definitely happened once when I was having a crush on a girl, and we had to dress/undress in the same space.

Questioning Post: Part 1 - Internalized Homophobia

So lately I've been kind of questioning whether I am actually bi, or perhaps a lesbian, so I decided to go over some of the common signs you could be gay and record how I feel.

I am making this for me so I have a record of how I feel, please don’t reblog this. All the ‘questions’ are from this google doc.

• Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities. You have a ‘list’ of impossible criteria in your head that a man must meet for you to be attracted to him, and if you ever meet someone who matches all the criteria you just add more impossible standards.

This has definitely happened to me. I'm not sure about the last, bur I've definitely tried to 'force' myself to be attracted to someone I felt I should be attracted to. Yes.

• I’m constantly testing my attraction to men. I pick one or more conventionally attractive men in the room, and try to force myself to be attracted to them.

Not constantly, but yes? Definitely yes.

• I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I get incredibly uncomfortable.

This one trips me, because on one hand, that's kind of true, but on the other hand perhaps it was just that the situation in question was uncomfortable (I mean does anyone like being hit on by strangers on the street? Not catcalling, I mean, being stopped and talked to and complimented by a stranger.) and/or the man in question was unattractive to me. So, maybe?

• I do not like the reality of men, only the idea of being with men.

I can't actually say. Maybe? I'm leaning towards yes, because I've more or less freaked out whenever anyone has suggested I could actually pursue a man or he could pursue me, but I'm still not entirely sure.

• I like the idea of marrying a man/being in a relationship with a man, but I can always pick out a reason to not want to date any man that is interested in me or any man suggested to me. These reasons are sometimes reasonable, but often insignificant (i.e. “I don’t like guys who do their hair like that, he has a weird mole on his face, he’s too tall”).

This one is true. I've never pursued any man I was interested in or was suggested to me since I was like... ten. 

• I can fantasize about men and find men attractive, but thinking about realistically being with a man makes my stomach churn.

I don't really understand the way the term 'realistically' is being used here. Are we talking about a real man I actually know in real life, who might be interested in me? Thinking about being with Ryan Reynolds doesn't make my stomach churn, but at the same time, I know I could never actually be with Ryan Reynolds. Soooo.... maybe?

• Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him.

Hm. No? I don't know, but I'm leaning towards no.

• I like getting attention from men and being validated in my attractiveness, but the moment it goes from attention to an interaction (i.e. from flirting to asking out) I start panicking.

I guess kind of, but I also can't remember the last time this happened with someone I would be comfortable dating at least in theory (aka not a complete stranger.) So maybe?

• Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them).

I don't remember this happening to me, the guys my female friends like are definitely not my type. I guess this is implying I'm having a crush on the female friend in question, but I haven't had a crush on a female friend since I was 14/15 and I didn't realize that was a crush at the time. Idk what to say to this. No, but I already know I like women.

• You view relationships with men as a chore, burden, or just something you must deal with.

Never had a relationship with a man. I don't know.

• You get crushes on just about every guy you’re friendly with, because there’s really no difference between friendships and crushes to you. (Confusing a strong emotional connection/dependency with a man for romantic feelings, can be due to mental illness.)

Mmm, never had a lot of male friends, but when I've had I thought I had crushes on them, so? Yes?

• You feel like you could theoretically be attracted to men (you may even have fantasies about them), but in practice you never have any feelings for them.

Mmm. I guess, but I also haven't had feelings for anyone in a while, so? Maybe? 

• Picking a guy at random to be attracted to.

I don't really understand this one. How do you define random? Perhaps.

• Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it, but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing.

*exhales* Maybe?

• Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them.

My (straight) friend once told me I have high standards so? Yes? Maybe?

• You’re far more certain about being attracted to women than you are about being attracted to men.

I don't know. Sometimes I question my attraction to women too.

• Only/mostly being into guys who are gender nonconforming or feminine in some way.

Mostly, but definitely not only. Yes?

• Alternatively, the guys I like are always a hyper masculine man’s man who embodies everything about manliness.

Sometimes, not always. Maybe?

• You want to date/fall in love/get married/have kids/etc with a guy, but the guy you dream about is never specific, and may as well be a cardboard cutout.

I guess? Maybe, leaning toward yes.

• All of my fantasies around men are always with faceless, nameless men; the more realistic the fantasy and the more details about my partner I invent, the less excited and into the fantasy I become.

Okay, yeah, this one is pretty true. Sometimes with celebrity men/fictional characters it's fine, but when I think about real men I actually know? Yes.

• Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with. (Such as teachers, married or older men, and men that live far away.)

I guess true, but I feel like that also mostly applies to women as well? I don't know. Yes?

• Similar to only crushing on famous or fictional men, the men you like may be gay or in relationships as they are also unattainable (if they are in a relationship, you may even start to wonder if it’s actually the woman you have a crush on.)

No, but refer to the previous question.

• You lose all attraction or get extremely uncomfortable if there are any implications that they might like you back. You get deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate

Perhaps? I don't think this has ever happened though, so I can't say.

• You mistake the desire for male approval as attraction. You don’t necessarily want a relationship with men, but you want men to want a relationship with you.

I don't know.

• Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them. Confusing your anxiety around men for “butterflies” or being flustered.

Perhaps? This might've happened.

• Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them.

Maybe? I don't know.

• Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women.

Not a lot of them, but it has happened, yes. (*cough cough* ContraPoints!)

• You wish you weren’t attracted to men / You wish you were a lesbian.

I've never specifically wished I was a lesbian. I was wishing I was bi/pan at one point. Maybe once or twice, but in a very abstract sort of way? I guess, maybe.

Classic Who Season 1 Review

Style: The quality of this season is fairly low and it’s entirely in black and white. The effects, when there are any, are almost laughable from a modern perspective, and the writing and dialogue is very 60s hammy - especially the death scenes, which are very unbelievable.

That said, if you give some permissions for the era, it’s not… terrible. It’s a bit slow and drags from a modern PoV, but I didn't find it completely un-stomach- able. And I hate watching anything made before the 1990s, so that should tell you enough.

Character: You have four main characters, the Doctor and his three companions - Susan, Barbara and Ian.


The Doctor - The First Doctor is very different from what we are used to see as a the building blocks of the Doctor’s personality, at least in New Who. He is a bit of a trickster and kind of a dick. He basically kidnaps Ian and Barbara in the beginning; lies for his own benefit; and within the first story, tries to finish off a cave man with a rock and Ian has to stop him. The Doctor is also kind of selfish and more interested in saving his skin and running away, than staying to help. In fact, even when he does stay, it’s always with the purpose to explore and the very real intention to run away at the first sign of trouble. He does become more… caring as the season progresses and in particular shows a great deal of caring to his companions, but he is definitely no Ten.

Susan Foreman - from what I can tell, Susan is the Doctor’s true, biological granddaughter and therefore Gallifreyan. She calls him “grandfather”; explains she is from a different world; later doctors make references to her and to the Doctor having a family at one point, and her description of Gallifrey is also echoed by later Doctors. How she came to be and whether she is a Time Lady or not is left up for debate, but there you go.

Susan is very much the child of the group. She is very young, only fifteen, and in several ways she acts like a typical teenage girl, especially one from the 60s. However, she is also smart and shows bravery and desire to grow up several times. Overall, I liked her a fair amount, in many ways I find her more easy to stomach than even Rose (although the fact that she has zero romantic interest in the Doctor - you know, with them being related and all - certainly helps.)

Ian Chesterton - Ian is a kind of a masculine ideal of the era, but not in a bad way. While he has leadership qualities, and wants to be heroic, he wants to do the physical work and he acts as the sort of the protector of the group, but he is also willing to step aside when needed, listen to other people and even let the women do some of the hard work. Overall, he was much better than what I was expecting and I can’t say I have many complaints within regards to his characterisation.

Barbara Wright - Barbara is a BAMF. She is consistently the character who gets the most shit done, is very smart, very clever, willing to stand up for herself and call out the Doctor on his shit. Not only that, but she is compassionate, a sort of a substitute mother to Susan, without smothering her, and just a very well rounded character. I’m confident in saying that she is most certainly one of the best companions in the entire history of the show. And once again, the fact that she has no romantic interest in the Doctor - or anyone else for that matter - certainly does help not to distract from her awesomeness. She has a few cute moments with Ian, but they are not over the top, and personally I think they'd make a cute couple,

In terms of the side characters, they were alright. No one terribly written, but also no one I was desperate to see more of. Honestly not much to say here.

Story - The plot of the season starts with two of Susan’s high school teachers - Ian, science/chemistry and Barbara, history/government - being concerned about her, because she is strangely smart and capable in many ways, but lacking knowledge or having strange ideas in other ways. Barbara in particular, is very suspicious, because there doesn’t seem to be anything on the address Susan gave. So she and Ian decide to follow her home, eventually stumbling upon the TARDIS and the first Doctor. Pushing their way inside, they find it all very strange and have a hard time believing it’s a spaceship travelling in time and space. The Doctor, deciding he can’t let them go, as they might give him away, kidnaps them. The rest of the season is spent with them going on several adventures, while trying to get back to their own time.

The stories are as follows:
The Unearthly Child:
 - Meeting Susan, then going back in the past to the cave men times (4 parts).
The Daleks 
 - The Doctor and his companions end up in Skaro, millions of years in the future, meeting the Daleks and the Thals (7 parts)
The Edge of Destruction 
 - an entirely TARDID-based story (2 parts)
Marco Polo 
 - The Doctor and his companions end up in the 13th century and meet Marco Polo (7 Parts). This only an audio, so I skipped it.
The Keys of Marinus
 - The Doctor and his companions end up in a strange planet and have to get five keys to the machine called Marinus, so they could go back to the TARDIS (6 parts
The Aztecs
 - The Doctor and his companions end up in the past amongst a civilization called the Aztecs, where Barbara is confused for a reincarnation of one of their goddesses (4 parts)
The Sensorites
 - The Doctor and his companions end up on a scape ship controlled by an alien race called the Sensorites, who turn out to be good-intentioned after all (6 parts)
and finally,
The Reign of Terror
 - The Doctor in his companions end up smack in the middle of the French revolution (6 parts, but episodes 3 and 4 are missing)

Amongst the separate stories, the action drags somewhat from a modern perspective, and most a are fairly long, between 4 to 7 parts, each part around 22-25 minutes. My personal favorite stories are probably The Sensorites, as it remind me most of a core Doctor Who adventure story, while trying to help an alien race (strange, as it’s rated the lowest of the season on IMDB). I really wanted to like The Daleks, but it was too unnecessarily long and tiresome, though there were definitely moments of it I enjoyed.

A strange thing I found is that The First Doctor says several times that “you can’t change history,” which is very much in contrast to New Who doctors claiming that “time can be rewritten just like that!’”, and also a bit strange as a concept, because what even is history? Any point in time is “history” to another point and don’t they change history by helping the Sensorites or finding the keys of Marines? Or is that just Earth history? Kind of a weird rule to have, really. But anyway, I’m very curious to see how the Doctor changes his mind about that.

Jessica Jones S2 Review: Part 1 - Predictions

So I decided to review Marvel's Jessica Jones' Season 2.

The review will happen in 3 parts:

1. My predictions prior to watching the season and how wrong or right I was about them.
This part will have little to no spoilers.

2. My thoughts on the actual season.
There will be loads of spoilers here

and finally, 3. My thoughts on how the season could have been improved.
There will be some spoilers here as well.

So let's start with predictions:

1. Since the first season was a man vs man type of story (well, woman vs man, technically), I thought the second season would be (wo)man vs organization.

Accuracy: 45%

Jessica against IGH was a big part of the season, but not exactly in the way that I thought. I thought IGH was going to be more like The Company in Heroes, but it's really not. It was a very small organization to begin with, and once Jessica starts her investigation of them, most people either turn up dead or just aren't really at fault for anything that happened or didn't know much.

2. The person clapping in the trailer was Kilgrave. 
A part of me thought he might be alive somehow, but my actual prediction was that it was just a flashback / dream sequence/ some sort of an illusion. 

Accuracy: 100% 

I don't want to give too much away, but yeah, I was pretty on the money about that one.

3. Jessica would be forced to face some of her past trauma that wasn't directly linked to Kilgrave (about her family, the experiments done on her etc.). The anger management / therapy of some sorts would play a big role in the season.

Accuracy: 30%

We go into it a little bit, and the scene from the trailer is in the actual season, but it's not nearly as big of a part of it as I thought and hoped it was going to be. Don't get me wrong, I didn't think that Jessica would magically transform into a perfectly healthy person by the end of the season, but I was hoping she would make at least a couple of emotional breakthroughs. And I guess she does, in a way, but it was not as satisfying as I hoped it would be. And it didn't affect her relationships with the characters I (and I think most people) cared about, instead it was about a character that I didn't care for that much to begin with.

4. Cheng was going to start out as Jessica's enemy/rival, but would somehow get wrapped in the main plot, become her unwilling sidekick, and they would eventually develop a romance, in the spirit of the enemies-to-lovers trope.

Accuracy: 15% 

I was only right about the first part. They don't even become friends by the end of the season.

5. The season would go into Jessica's biological family and her history before Kilgrave. 

Accuracy: 80%

I mean, it does, definitely, just not exactly in the way I thought? This one is hard to explain, because I don't know what I thought or hoped for exactly. And it also ties in with the therapy one here, which I was wrong about, so there's that.

6. The ending would be more satisfying than the last time.

Accuracy: 55%

Well, it was and it wasn't. It is at the very least hinting at a possible happiness in Jessica's future, unlike last time where the conclusion to the Kilgrave arc was a relief that she was rid of him, but at the same time not really being sure about her future/not feeling too good about it. So that part was good. But it also leaves two of Jessica's more important (in my opinion) relationships still unresolved. So while it's nice to see Jessica be a little happy, it's also isn't nice to know she's in a bad place with her family.

Doctor Who 1.08 - Father's Day

Overall opinion: This is another super solid episode to me. I love time travelling stories that deal with personal loss, even if we all know how it's going to end. The only complaint I probably have is that Rose's father wasn't really established before this point. I think if he had been, this story would have had much more impact. But honestly, it's pretty great as is. 10/10

The Doctor: I loved seeing the Doctor get mad at Rose, and then still try to protect her and her family, that was great, very Doctor-like.

Rose: I'm not sure how to feel about Rose here. On one hand, I relate to what she's feeling, but on the other hand, I hate that she insists on screwing things up. She is apologetic pretty fast though, so I guess that's a good thing.

Side characters: Oh man, this one episode really did make me feel for Rose's father. And that couple about to get married were pretty cute. Oh, and tiny Mickey! :D

Villain: There isn't one here, not really. There are these time-eating monsters, but they are not really what the episode is *about*.

Doctor Who 1.07 - The Long Game

Overall opinion: Um, this is a pretty good, tight episode. Good commentary, cool mystery, 9/10

The Doctor: Not much to say about The Doctor here, basically he is just being The Doctor.

Rose: Rose is fun in this episode, I like seeing the contrast between her and Adam, and yeah, that's really it. But it's good.

Side characters: Adam turns out to be a disappointment. That's pretty sad. But I liked the fact that they showed not everyone can handle travelling with the Doctor. Cathica and Suki are pretty great, no complaints about them.

Villain: Nothing much about the villain here, it's pretty generic, but I do like the plot they've come up with and I like the commentary they are making about television and modern culture.

Doctor Who 1.04. & 1.05 - Aliens of London and World War III

Overall opinion: Oh god, it's these episodes with the farting!

Okay, there are good ideas here and I get the commentary about politicians the show is trying to make, but my god, the farting! I think my biggest complaint about this story is that it's a two parter. It honestly does not deserve to be a two-parter.

In terms of rating: Aliens of London is a 5/10
And World War III is a 6/10

The Doctor: I feel like this two-parter is basically the quintessential The Doctor being The Doctor, he does have some really good moments here.

Rose: I don't know what to make of Rose here. She just stands by The Doctor's side, she doesn't really express a lot of deep emotions other than the obvious ones, and she's just kind of relegated to the background. The way people react to her is much more important than how she reacts to them.

Side characters: I like Jackie a lot more here, she is a lot less grating here because she acts very loving and concerned about Rose. I like Mickey a lot better too. I love his interactions with the Doctor, especially near the end. In fact both of them and their interactions with Rose are what makes this two-parter a little bit worth it for me.

Besides that, the alien doctor lady is cool, and of course Harriet Jones is a classic New Who character.

Villain: Look, I get the idea behind these villains on paper, and on paper I think it's an alright idea. But my god, with the farting! There's just no way to save that.

I'm not crazy about the design either. I like the faces, and the rest of them are just bleh. I guess I do like that the name they give is their family name, not the name of their species. And yeah, their plan is not the worst, but I still can't take them seriously,

Doctor Who 1.03 - The Unquiet Dead

Overall opinion: Another solid 9/10 episode. I don't generally love 18/19th century England in Doctor Who (though I think that has to do more with the Moffat era, where it gets way too overused), but there are solid episodes set in this time period and this was one of them. The supernatural aspect of it is a bit meh, because we know it's not actually supernatural, but the episode really picks up in the second half.

The Doctor: I liked the Doctor here, I liked his "new morality" and I liked how he is very much pro any living creatures, and believes that they are well-intentioned.

Rose: Not a great Rose episode in my opinion. This is the second time in a row she gets kidnapped and the Doctor has to save her (although not quite so literally this time.) And after, that she spends the episode being close-minded and a know-it-all.

Side characters: I love Charles Dickens obviously. It's a bit fan service-y every time Doctor Who brings in a historical figure, but it's still fun to see. He does take a little bit to come around to what's going on, but once he does, it's pretty awesome. Gwenyth is also one of my absolute favorite one time characters. Can't say much about her without spoiling the episode, so I'll just leave it at that.

Villain: I don't so much like the villains/monsters as characters in this episode, but I do like the interactions around them and I like the moral dilemma that they pose. So overall, yeah, it's pretty alright.

Doctor Who 1.06 - Dalek

Overall opinion: This is my favorite episode so far, by a mile. Everything about this episode worked, just everything. 10/10

The Doctor: For the first time we really get to see The Doctor and the way he deals with his grief and anger about the Time War, and it's great! It's so deep and emotional and he feels so much and the "you would make a good Dalek," line, oh man.

Rose: This is by far my favorite Rose episode so far too. Probably because she doesn't have too much screen time, and the time she has is well spent. She's empathetic and scared and then empathetic again. It's really good.

Side characters: Van Statten was a jerk, who got what he deserved. Adam is cute and I'm glad he'll be joining the Doctor and Rose next time.

Villain: Oh, man we get our first look at the Daleks in New Who and it's brilliant!

Like I said, when I first started watching the show I didn't know much about it, so  I had no idea what the Daleks even were. And as an introduction to them, this episode was perfect! So far I'd never feared or been creeped out by a DW villain, but man that this thing was relentless! And then when it realized it was changing, it was beautiful and poetic. I really feel like this episode genuinely conveys most everything you need to know about the Daleks.

Moral/Message: Not sure if this episode has a moral per se, but the message of it is very powerful and man, that ending. That was something, for sure.

Doctor Who 1.02 - The End of the World

Overall opinion: Okay,I love this episode! The pilot didn't quite do it for me, but this was the episode that sold me on the show. Not much else to say about it, really, it's just a very good tightly written episode. 9/10

The Doctor: Not much to say about The Doctor as well. I like that we get to find out more about his past and we see that the gravity of it all does hit him. I also think it's such a good establishing moment to see him at the end when he says "Everything has its time, and everything dies." It really says so much about him as a character.

Rose: I think I like Rose here a little bit more than the previous episode. I like that it hits her where she is, that she doesn't really know The Doctor very well, basically again the gravity of the situation. She is not particularly useful in this episode, but in fairness it's not due to a fault of her own. I really do like the conversations she has with The Doctor and with Cassandra. And I liked her empathy at the end.

Side characters: Okay, I like the blue alien plumber and the host and the wood people. Not much to say about them individually, they're just a nice addition to the episode.

Villain: Okay, this comes with a spoiler warning, so you'll have to copy the text in the brackets to see it. (I love Cassandra. I adore the commentary they were making with her, both in terms of racial purity and her greed, and the fact that she is judging the human race for evolving, while she has done much worse to herself. Her death was pretty gruesome, but also kind of earned? It was a good villain. Oh, and of course I loved that little hint they dropped that she is trans. Good stuff!)

Doctor Who 1.01 - Rose

Overall opinion: Um, I don't think it's great. It's not terrible, but I remember back before I knew pretty much anything about Doctor Who, my friends convinced me to try watching it, because they thought I would like it.  And I remember just being so bored out of my mind during this episode that it took me several months to give the show another chance.

The special effects in this episode are pretty bad, the overall story is a bit of generic sci-fi with only a slight twist, the side characters are not the most compelling. It just feels a bit... meandering, in a way. I think it could have been written tighter. I gave it a 7/10 rating on IMDB, because I don't like being excessively negative, unless I absolutely hate something, but my actual rating is probably more like 6/10, or if I'm being generous 6.5/10.

The Doctor: The Doctor, is actually the one thing that was the saving grace of this episode. This will sound very shallow, but I remember being a little bit disappointed that the actor is not super cute when I first started watching the show. I don't think I knew about the regeneration at this point. But it was fine because he is established as quirky and interesting very fast. And also, Rose is more my type anyway. :P

The one thing I really liked in this episode, is the speech The Doctor gives Rose about how he can feel the Earth spinning, That was the one thing that really intrigued me about him. I remember the first time I watched it, being like, wait, who is this guy? And also, the TARDIS is pretty cool. In fact she is a saving grace for me throughout the series. Yes, she is a she, and she is alive.

Rose: I'm a bit torn on Rose. On one hand, I completely relate to her in terms being this young millennial who just feels so stuck in their life and who has no future and nothing that exciting awaiting for them. On the other hand, she seems a bit... generic. I can't really get a good sense of her personality from this episode. She does have a couple of funny lines, and overall it's not the worst companion introduction, but it's not really the best either. Although, I am trying to be lenient,  because it's also the show's pilot and it has to establish everything else too,

There's one thing in particular, I didn't really enjoy, and that was that whole bit with the ableism. I mean I can't really be too mad at it, because a) it's 2005; b) that's pretty much par-for sci-fi or fantasy that stars a "straight man" (to be clear, that does not mean a man who is heterosexual. but rather a character of any gender who hasn't been instilled of the true ways of the world, beyond what we all know, and that the audience is meant to identify with) and cat) that plot is resolved in literally the next scene. But still. Maybe it was a tad bit excessive, especially considering what she'd already seen at this point.

Rose's Mother and Mickey: I'm not a fan of either of them in this episode. Rose's mother is just annoying. Admittedly, that is by design, but it's still no less grating. Mickey is a tad better, but he is also sort of cowardly and just generally not very enticing. Which in fairness, is probably why Rose ends up leaving him to travel with The Doctor. I do like he is black and it's interracial relationship, but that's really the only positive thing I can say about him for now and that's really sad. Yes, I know he gets better. I do like him a lot more later on.

Villain: I think the Nestene Consciousness is an interesting idea, but it's just not explored very well. I like that the Doctor tries to talk to it first, rather than kill it. That really establishes that this is a different sort of show. And I also like that it doesn't go very well.

Moral: I'm not really sure, but did Rose end up killing the NC? Because it was implied that it was the only one, or the last one of its kind, so does that mean that The Doctor and Rose technically committed genocide? I mean, I get why, it was wreaking havoc on London and it was going to kill everyone else, but... I just think there are some moral implications here that are better explored in later Doctor Who episodes.