Questioning Post: Part 1 - Internalized Homophobia

So lately I've been kind of questioning whether I am actually bi, or perhaps a lesbian, so I decided to go over some of the common signs you could be gay and record how I feel.

I am making this for me so I have a record of how I feel, please don’t reblog this. All the ‘questions’ are from this google doc.

• Deciding which guys to be attracted to – not to date, but to be attracted to – based on how well they match a mental list of attractive qualities. You have a ‘list’ of impossible criteria in your head that a man must meet for you to be attracted to him, and if you ever meet someone who matches all the criteria you just add more impossible standards.

This has definitely happened to me. I'm not sure about the last, bur I've definitely tried to 'force' myself to be attracted to someone I felt I should be attracted to. Yes.

• I’m constantly testing my attraction to men. I pick one or more conventionally attractive men in the room, and try to force myself to be attracted to them.

Not constantly, but yes? Definitely yes.

• I like the idea of being with a man, but any time a man makes a move on me I get incredibly uncomfortable.

This one trips me, because on one hand, that's kind of true, but on the other hand perhaps it was just that the situation in question was uncomfortable (I mean does anyone like being hit on by strangers on the street? Not catcalling, I mean, being stopped and talked to and complimented by a stranger.) and/or the man in question was unattractive to me. So, maybe?

• I do not like the reality of men, only the idea of being with men.

I can't actually say. Maybe? I'm leaning towards yes, because I've more or less freaked out whenever anyone has suggested I could actually pursue a man or he could pursue me, but I'm still not entirely sure.

• I like the idea of marrying a man/being in a relationship with a man, but I can always pick out a reason to not want to date any man that is interested in me or any man suggested to me. These reasons are sometimes reasonable, but often insignificant (i.e. “I don’t like guys who do their hair like that, he has a weird mole on his face, he’s too tall”).

This one is true. I've never pursued any man I was interested in or was suggested to me since I was like... ten. 

• I can fantasize about men and find men attractive, but thinking about realistically being with a man makes my stomach churn.

I don't really understand the way the term 'realistically' is being used here. Are we talking about a real man I actually know in real life, who might be interested in me? Thinking about being with Ryan Reynolds doesn't make my stomach churn, but at the same time, I know I could never actually be with Ryan Reynolds. Soooo.... maybe?

• Only developing attraction to a guy after a female friend expresses attraction to him.

Hm. No? I don't know, but I'm leaning towards no.

• I like getting attention from men and being validated in my attractiveness, but the moment it goes from attention to an interaction (i.e. from flirting to asking out) I start panicking.

I guess kind of, but I also can't remember the last time this happened with someone I would be comfortable dating at least in theory (aka not a complete stranger.) So maybe?

• Getting jealous of a specific female friend’s relationships with guys and assuming you must be attracted to the guys she’s with (even if you never really noticed them before she was interested in them).

I don't remember this happening to me, the guys my female friends like are definitely not my type. I guess this is implying I'm having a crush on the female friend in question, but I haven't had a crush on a female friend since I was 14/15 and I didn't realize that was a crush at the time. Idk what to say to this. No, but I already know I like women.

• You view relationships with men as a chore, burden, or just something you must deal with.

Never had a relationship with a man. I don't know.

• You get crushes on just about every guy you’re friendly with, because there’s really no difference between friendships and crushes to you. (Confusing a strong emotional connection/dependency with a man for romantic feelings, can be due to mental illness.)

Mmm, never had a lot of male friends, but when I've had I thought I had crushes on them, so? Yes?

• You feel like you could theoretically be attracted to men (you may even have fantasies about them), but in practice you never have any feelings for them.

Mmm. I guess, but I also haven't had feelings for anyone in a while, so? Maybe? 

• Picking a guy at random to be attracted to.

I don't really understand this one. How do you define random? Perhaps.

• Choosing to be attracted to a guy at all, not just choosing to act on it, but flipping your attraction on like a switch – that’s a common lesbian thing.

*exhales* Maybe?

• Having such high standards that literally no guy meets them – and feeling no spark of attraction to any guy who doesn’t meet them.

My (straight) friend once told me I have high standards so? Yes? Maybe?

• You’re far more certain about being attracted to women than you are about being attracted to men.

I don't know. Sometimes I question my attraction to women too.

• Only/mostly being into guys who are gender nonconforming or feminine in some way.

Mostly, but definitely not only. Yes?

• Alternatively, the guys I like are always a hyper masculine man’s man who embodies everything about manliness.

Sometimes, not always. Maybe?

• You want to date/fall in love/get married/have kids/etc with a guy, but the guy you dream about is never specific, and may as well be a cardboard cutout.

I guess? Maybe, leaning toward yes.

• All of my fantasies around men are always with faceless, nameless men; the more realistic the fantasy and the more details about my partner I invent, the less excited and into the fantasy I become.

Okay, yeah, this one is pretty true. Sometimes with celebrity men/fictional characters it's fine, but when I think about real men I actually know? Yes.

• Only/mostly being attracted to unattainable, disinterested, or fictional guys or guys you never or rarely interact with. (Such as teachers, married or older men, and men that live far away.)

I guess true, but I feel like that also mostly applies to women as well? I don't know. Yes?

• Similar to only crushing on famous or fictional men, the men you like may be gay or in relationships as they are also unattainable (if they are in a relationship, you may even start to wonder if it’s actually the woman you have a crush on.)

No, but refer to the previous question.

• You lose all attraction or get extremely uncomfortable if there are any implications that they might like you back. You get deeply uncomfortable and losing all interest in these unattainable guys if they ever indicate they might reciprocate

Perhaps? I don't think this has ever happened though, so I can't say.

• You mistake the desire for male approval as attraction. You don’t necessarily want a relationship with men, but you want men to want a relationship with you.

I don't know.

• Reading your anxiety/discomfort/nervousness/combativeness around men as attraction to them. Confusing your anxiety around men for “butterflies” or being flustered.

Perhaps? This might've happened.

• Reading a desire to be attractive to men as attraction to them.

Maybe? I don't know.

• Having a lot of your ‘guy’ crushes later turn out to be trans women.

Not a lot of them, but it has happened, yes. (*cough cough* ContraPoints!)

• You wish you weren’t attracted to men / You wish you were a lesbian.

I've never specifically wished I was a lesbian. I was wishing I was bi/pan at one point. Maybe once or twice, but in a very abstract sort of way? I guess, maybe.