Love Actually Short Review

Love Actually is one of these movies that is wildly popular, despite not actually being all that good. Really, the only saving graces of the film are the amount of heart put into it and the performances by its amazing cast.

Frankly, for a romantic comedy, Love Actually is pretty light on the comedy. My biggest issue with the film however, is the fact that for its 135 minute running time, it has way too many story lines and cannot fully develop its characters. Some of them may have a personality quirk or a personality trait, but not a personality. Out of the nine or ten stories (which by the way, leaves about 13.5 minutes to one storyline - less, when you take in the credits) at least half could've easily been cut, and the others could have been more developed and linked to each other in a stronger way. In fact, Love Actually would've probably worked way better as a TV show.

That said, this was the movie that introduced me to the idea of an ensemble cast and interlinked storylines and ever since, I've loved the concept. But upon watching it a second time I realised that this motif of the film it's barely there. Some of the characters are connected in a way (e.g. Emma Thompson's character is married to Alan Rickman and Hugh Grant's sister), but mostly there is just a very feeble connection that's been stuck there at the end, if at all.

I watched Love Actually the first time when I was about ten, and I remember that I didn't really like it back then either. As the years passed, I thought it was because I was too young for it and I missed the ending, but now, I have to say that I was right back then. The movie has a lot of heart and it's nice to watch around Christmas, but it's not that great. My advice is, if you happen upon it around the winter holidays on TV, don't change the channel, but don't spend any money on it.

Catching Fire - Movie Review

So what did I think of Catching Fire?

I loved it! It was awesome! It upped the action, the sacrifice, the emotions, the stakes, the characters... This movie was amazing, it was much much better than the first one! Buuuut... it could've been even better.

4.5 out of 5 stars.

SPOILER ALERT!!! (For both the movie and the book.)

Let's start with the good:

I'm going to go into details about what's so amazing about every scene, so instead I will say what I liked in the movie better than I did in the book/the previous movie.

1. Effie

I loved Effie and even more so in the films. Elizabeth Banks is amazing and she looks like she's having the time of her life. I always like Effie, but I could really feel how much she cares here.

2. 'The Odds Are Never in Our Favor'

Damn, that graffiti on a wall in Panem gave me a geekgasm every time I saw it in the trailer and the scene in the film was no less chilling. A bit on the nose possibly, but also pretty realistic for the situation (as well as real life).

3. Snow's granddaughter.

It was mentioned that he had one in the books, but we could never get an emotional attachment, because we never saw her. We do here and she's just a young girl, who wants to fit in. Sure, she is privileged and sheltered and raised on the Capitol's propaganda, but that's not her fault.

4. "Someday I'll volunteer like you did!"

Amazing commentary on celebrity culture, but Katniss's face however was the most powerful thing about the scene. This is a great example of how the visual medium can improve on be - just one facial expression manages to convey so much.

5. I understand Katniss a lot better.

I thought that the first movie made Katniss more likable than she's in the books and it's the same with this film. For instance, the scene where Katniss has to choose allies and she goes for the ones that seem the oddest: in the books it felt like she was purposefully separating herself from the rest of the victors just to be stubborn, but in the movie, when you actually see the rest of the victors, it's easy to really understand and sympathize with Katniss.

6. Peeta (compared to the first film)

When the first movie came out, it was around the time everyone wanted to emulate Twilight, and you can see the writers trying so hard to make Peeta Edward Light. Peeta was the furthest thing from Edward in the books. He was likable, accessible, friendly, very talented, but also extremely self-conscious. But all the first movie wanted was to make him all emo and tormented. This movie really felt like an apology for all of that.

Now the Bad!

1. The info-dumps! (Snow and Plutarch conversations & other things outside of Katniss's POV)

Maybe I'm coming from the PoV of a book fan here and these scenes were actually helpful for audience members, who only watch the movies, but I really think this movie really did a lot more telling than showing. In the first film, there were a few of them, but here, I just felt beaten over the head with it. We get it, Snow is a bad guy, move on, please!

2. Missing scenes:

- Plutarch's mockingjay clock.
This scene was a major plot point in the book! That's how Katniss is tipped off about the arena and that there is something going on and maybe Plutarch is part of it. They already added the dancing scene, would it have been that much of a bother to add like 5-10 more seconds of screen time, so he can flash the clock at her?!

- The truth about 13
13 is the major source of revolution and it will be a very, very important setting in movie 3. Yes, they dump 13 on us at the end, but it didn't just come out of nowhere in the books.

- Katniss and Peeta bonding
Yeah, they talk about their favorite colors in the film, whoopty-do! Their connection felt much stronger in the book. We get the scene where he stays to sleep next to her, which was pretty great, but we don't actually see them spend quality time together.

- Peeta's paintings of their Hunger Games and Katniss's reaction to them
They show us Katniss's PTSD, but what about Peeta - did he just went on unscarred by the Games? I think a scene like this would have also helped my previous point about the bonding.

- Peeta and Katniss watching Haymitch's Hunger Games
Yeah, it's not like that was important plot point in the book or anything, because that's why Katniss decides to destroy the force field at the end an showed us the characters in a different light. Not like the fans wanted to see it so bad, they made their own fan videos or anything...

- The bread that signified the plan for interrupting the games
I'm not that bothered by the fact that they missed this one, but it was important in the book, so I' thought I'd point it out.

3. This movie could've benefited from (at least) two montages with:

- Katniss and Peeta bonding/victims of the new regime in 12 montage.
This could've been great montage, combining both happy and sad and comparing life of the 1% with the life of the rest of the population. It could've shown Katniss explaining plants to Peeta and him painting them, while her broken foot heals (which also wasn't in the movie); then cut away to the whipped people Katniss's mother and sister heal, then cut to Katniss and Peeta helping, then cut to them and the plants, then cut to more victims of the Capitol. It could've been a beautiful bit and it didn't need to be longer than 2-3 minutes. It didn't have to be there, but it would have been nice.

- Training/Film reel from previous Hunger Games montage
Yes, the scenes where Katniss, Peeta and Haymitch face the idea of going back into the arena and Haymitch teaching them about the other victors were still pretty great, but they could've been better, by cutting from their training to videos from previous Games with Haymitch's voice over explaining what is going on.

4. Games related pet-peeves

Why were some tributes shown and interviewed together and others not?! And did ya' miss a canon or two, there (AGAIN)?!

But all of those are nit picks.

Here are my two actual problems with this film:

5. Johanna Mason is hilariously miscast

I was so happy with the casting in this film, everyone just fits their role perfectly! Well, everyone except for my favorite character - Johanna Mason. She is a tough character to cast and I was especially worried when I found out they were casting one of the girls from Sucker Punch. Yeah, great choice, director! Jena Malone is cute, but in all honesty she wasn't even convincing in that movie as the smart-assed, bitchy one of the group (and there it was all an act, because inside she was actually a dreamer inside), let alone here.

In all fairness I think that the writers and director did a decent job with her character and the actress god-bless her, does her best, but... she just looked like she was trying too hard! Whenever I saw Johanna on screen... she just looked like an angry teenager acting out, because her mother grounded her for a month, and now she has to miss prom. She didn't look like someone who's every reason for existence has been slowly and painfully stripped from them in attempts to break her, but instead turned her into a weapon for the rebellion. I mean, Katniss seems much more hurt, rebellious, hardened and sarcastic than Johanna and she has not suffered nearly as much. It's not a competition of course, it's just that the book gave me a very different Johanna than the movie did.

6. 12A (UK)/ PG13 (USA) Rating

This as an adaptation of a book focused around teenagers killing each other and people dying on daily basics how does that not get at least an R rating?! It's filled with violence and heavy themes and because of that stupid rating we got to see none of it! They either cut away from the violence through ridiculously fast editing or used my 'favorite' shaky-cam technique. Also Johanna's cursing was actually censored! I... no, just no!

It may seem like I am bitching a lot, but I always do that, so do not be fooled: I loved the movie, I thought it was awesome, I did not feel how the time passed by and I wholeheartedly recommend it.

Christian Grey Vs Seto Kaiba or How an Action-Anime for Kids Did It Better!

Previously: Ana Steele VS The Modern Virgin

So Christian Grey is a dream boat, right?

Well, no, not really. But for the sake of this game, let's go with what the books tell us about him, rather than what they show:

- Christian is very successful and self-made
- He is intimidating
- He likes fast and expensive cars
- He likes big displays of wealth, social status and ego-strokes
- He is selfish, a bit of a jerk and certainly a control freak
- He has a broken childhood and a dead parent-figure
- He is amazing at his job and has cartoonish bodyguard(s)
- He loves his sibling
- He is incredibly young, hot and is into BDSM

Hmm, I can think of one very prominent character a bit like that. He's not from any erotic fiction, but I remember him being my sexual awakening, you might say. Ok, not really obviously, since I was around eight or nine when I watched the show for the first time, but... he was so just so cool...

Sorry, I got distracted for a second. Anyway, here he is:

Oh, snap!

Yu Gi Oh is an action anime targeted towards kids and teens. It's about adults playing a children's card game. Really, I can't explain it any better. Seto Kaiba (or Kaiba as the show referred to him) is a kind of an antagonist, although he would often help the heroes, even if it's for a selfish reason. He is basically everything that I said about Christian Grey and more. Well, except for the fact that he is a sub and on the asexual and aromantic spectrums... but that's a topic for another time,

Unlike Grey, however whose personality is the color of his name, Kaiba is um... how do I say this? Interesting.

Besides the things I already pointed out, he:
- is also a genius
- can pilot planes and helicopters
- is a world-class hacker
- is a bit of a pick-pocketer,
- is pretty proficient in martial-arts
- is a great escape-artist, amazing chess player and world-chapion of that damn card-game
- is incredibly badass

Not to mention, that what we are told about Kaiba is the same as what we are shown. This guy was a workaholic! And not a made-up workaholic like Christian, who can blow-off important business meetings on a whim; never ever works on a weekend; has all the time for lavish vacations; and basically makes his business decisions based on who he is currently fucking. We are actually shown how invested Kaiba is in his work. Also, the reason Kaiba he is so ridiculously successful is not only because he was a kid-genius, but he also had his adoptive father's money and his company that he re-build and was basically trained to be this by his father from an early age. Also, while he is a chaotic neutral, possibly chaotic bad (though sometimes - chaotic good) and an egotistical jerk, he also loves his brother more than anything. He isn't abusive either. Mostly, he just desperately needs a hug.

Also, did I mention that he was really hot!

Basically what I'm saying is - when a kid's show centered around adults playing a children's card game, a show that included NO ROMANCE (even by kids' shows' standards) has a sexeier, more realistic enigmatic-CEO-jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold, than the most successful book ever, something is terribly wrong.

Ana Steele VS The Modern Virgin or Why Ana Sucks

For the record, I would like to start off by saying that I don't believe in the concept of "virginity" as such. I find it extremely heteronormative, I think it devalues types of sex that don't include a penis, and I find this "lose/give" language kind of creepy. I'd like to think of having sex as sharing an experience and I don't think it starts and ends with dick.

That said however, I've noticed a disturbing trend in romance fiction lately. There's this particular type of protagonist a lot of writers seem to gravitate towards. You see, it's not just that she (or he, as the trope so,metimes extends to gay pairings as well) has never had sex (which is perfectly fine on its own, of course!) She's also never dated. She's never wanted sex. She's never felt arousal. She's never masturbated. She's never tried alcohol. She's never gone to a party. She doesn't know what a "butt plug" is, despite the self-explanatory name. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that she is naive practically to the point of ridiculous.

And you know, it's fine to be introverted. It's fine to be a virgin and even slightly, naive, but the way these protagonists are written is completely unrealistic. And 50 Shades is probably the worst offender here.

1. Not having a smart-phone, laptop or email.

There is no WAY in hell Ana didn't have an email before Christian bought her that Mac. You literally need one, so you can apply to university and then you need it for various assignments.

Not having a personal laptop can happen, I guess, but from the moment you arrive at university, you are told you can do everything online and it will definitely make your life harder. Hell, when I was studying in Edinburgh, I even had to go online to do my laundry! Not kidding - you get a card, then you register to this website, put money in your card and then you can do laundry.

Smartphones you can go without fine, but people do use them a lot! Also, I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that Ana has spent four years in university and never learnt how to google stuff. I wouldn't have survived high school without that ability, let alone uni! You realize that doing research is like Academic Skills 101, right?

So then why has EL James made our heroine so detached from the world? Well, see... the internet is a place of all information. Ana with an internet connection will not be that same ridiculously-innocent Ana that we all know and hate.

2. Never having mastrubated/had any sexual fabtasies and desires of any sort:

Again, I feel the need to point this out: asexuality is a thing. There are people who don't feel sexual attraction and while that doesn't equate to arousal, there are plenty of sex repulsed and sex neutral aces that just don't care about sex or even mastruabting.

That said, this isn't the case with Ana. I cannot explain this better than the ladies at 50 Shades of Green. As Nella explains: "The reason why Ana has never had any sexual fantasies before she meets her Twu Luv is not so people would relate to that, because no one would. It's that they'll relate to the fact that they think that's how it should be."


3. Not knowing basic things about sex:

There's a lot of time you just have to roll your eyes at how clueless Ana is, but as Erika points out, there's no way she'll be that clueless after four years in university. The reason EL James wrote her this way, is because she needed someone really "innocent" to be the foil of Grey and his "dark" ways.

Except... James has a very broken idea of innocence. She thinks that being innocent means a naive, conservative, clueless idiot. Ana can have no experience and still be at least a little street smart, confident and aware of her own fantasies and limitations (aka the way Dakota Johnson attempted to portray her.)

And just for funzies: here's the chapter where Ana and Christian have sex for the first time, re-capped by the awesome Jenny T, and an audio version, read by Kate Davidson.

Coming Up Next: Christian Grey VS Seto Kaiba or How Yu Gi Oh Did It Better.

Marked, Chapter 1 - Meeting two horrible people

We start off meeting our heroine and first-person-narrator Zoey in school with her friend Kayla. She sees a 'dead guy' by the lockers  that no one else seems to see, except... wait a minute! Vampyres aren't dead. They are Changed. And it's not like humans don't know in this universe? Did this book have an editor?

Kayla is talking about this guy named Heath, who apparently didn't get that drunk after the game and Zoey is being harsh on him (spoiler: Heath is Zoey's no-good almost-boyfriend.) Except our heroine isn't really listening but thinking that she is feeling out of sorts.

 Then I coughed. Again. I felt like crap. I must be coming down with what Mr. Wise, my more-than-slightly-insane AP biology teacher, called the Teenage Plague. 

If I died, would it get me out of my geometry test tomorrow? One could only hope. 

One third into the first page and Zoey is already being horrible. Dying is better than geometry?! Well, ok, I might have said the exact same thing to myself once or twice. Teenagers are idiots. Moving on.

Next there's some drama, the only important detail of which is that Zoey doesn't like her step-father, who she calls Step-Loser. She and Kayla keep talking about how Heath only got drunk because he was celebrating his win in American football. Also, yes I'll keep calling it American football. I'm European and I believe that for a sport to be called 'football'  it should include FEET and a BALL. so yeah, suck it, Americans!

Zoey hates the fact that Heath drinks so much, but Kayla defends him. Apparently Kayla is shallow though, because she thinks Heath is hot. OH, THE HORROR! Surely no teenage girl has ever been into a guy simply because he is hot! What a shallow bitch! /sarcasm

Unfortunately, Kayla is just our token shallow-frienemy to show how deep, smart and incredible our protagonist is. But what's important to remember for now is that Zoey thinks this is shallow. I promise it'll come in play later.

Then I saw him. The dead guy. Okay, I realized pretty quick that he wasn't technically "dead.” He was undead. Or un-human. Whatever. Scientists said one thing, people said another, but the end result was the same. There was no mistaking what he was and even if I hadn't felt the power and darkness that radiated from him, there was no frickin' way I could miss his Mark, the sapphire- blue crescent moon on his forehead and the additional tattooing of entwining knot work that framed his equally blue eyes. He was a vampyre, and worse. He was a Tracker. 

Yeah, there's no darkness. At all. Ever. From anyone. Except villains. And not even all of them. I...

This guy is a Tracker. Trackers are the Hunters, who "mark"  teenagers for the vampyre school and turn them into fledglings (students, vampyre-trainees). One day they will turn into full vampyres or die, which happens quite a bit fyi.

Anyway, the Tracker marks Zoey with the vampyre mark (for a fledgling that's the outline of a dark blue crescent moon on their forehead, for a vampyre it's filled in.) Also, we find out that Zoey is a bit of a random idiot, but in a cute way? This is basically just  the verbal equivalent of 'clumsy.' It's a flaw that's not really a flaw. Oh, I forgot - Zoey is bad at math too. If you guessed that we have a Mary Sue on our hands, my dear, you'll most certainly be right!

Kayla is very upset that Zoey has been Marked. So much that Zoey has to be the one to calm her down, and I have to say, I really hate Kayla here. She is not being a friend; she is being a selfish jerk.

And she automatically cringed, and moved away from me. 

I couldn't believe it. She actually cringed, like she was afraid of me. She must have seen the hurt in my eyes because she instantly started a string of breathless K-babble.
"Oh, God, Zoey! What are you going to do? You can't go to that place. You can't be one of those things. This can't be happening! Who am I supposed to go to all of our football games with?”

I noticed that all during her tirade she didn't once move any closer to me. I clamped down on the sick, hurt feeling inside that threatened to make me burst into tears. My eyes dried instantly. I was good at hiding tears. I should be; I'd had three years to get good at it. 

I mean, Kayla is pretty terrible, but Zoey isn't exactly any better. You don't have to hang out with Kayla, if you don't liker her you know!

Anyway, Zoey is definitely Marked now and has to go to the vampyre school or she'll get progressively sicker over the next couple of days and die. Also she has a stupid Barbie-clone sister. Is her sister really stupid and a Barbie-clone? I don't know! We never meet her and after this chapter she seems to drop out of existence, because she's never mentioned again. Was she taken by the aliens, who also deleted everyone's memory of  her? Well, it's as good of an explanation as any.

Zoey is also afraid that  she'll become a stereotype.

Do vampyres play chess? Were there vampyre dorks? How about Barbie-like vampyre cheerleaders? Did any vampyres play in the band? Were there vampyre Emos with their guy-wearing-girl's-pants weirdness and those awful bangs that cover half their faces? Or were they all those freaky Goth kids who didn't like to bathe much? Was I going to turn into a Goth kid? Or worse, an Emo? I didn't particularly like wearing black, at least not exclusively, and I wasn't feeling a sudden and unfortunate aversion to soap and water, nor did I have an obsessive desire to change my hairstyle and wear too much eyeliner. 

Don't worry, Zoey, you are already your own stereotype. You are the perfect-in-everything protagonist that everyone likes and is attracted to, even though she is actually awful.

Oh, Kayla's here. Hi, Kayla, I had forgotten you about you! Actually that may have been for the best, seeing as how Kayla continues to act horribly. She doesn't even try to hide that she is afraid of Zoey now and leaves her in her time of need to go home with her boyfriend.

And the Award for the worst person ever goes to...

Really, Kayla, the elitist-Zoey, who is already well on her way of becoming the biggest Mary Sue in published fiction since Bella Swan is nice compared to you! Come to think of it, that was probably the point... Well, to her credit she does ask Zoey to 'call her later,' but she might as well be saying 'we'll never talk again'.

Zoey starts contemplating her choices:

The problem, of course, was that turning into a monster was the brighter of my two choices. Choice Number 1: I turn into a vampyre, which equals a monster in just about any human's mind. Choice Number 2: My body rejects the Change and I die. Forever. 

Yes, Zoey that's how dying usually works. I mean personally I believe in rebirth, but since you have no memories of previous lives anyway, it's all the same.


Now... oh, the hell with it.

          So the good news is that I wouldn't have to take the geometry test tomorrow.

The bad news was that I'd have to move into the House of Night, a private boarding school in Tulsa's Midtown, known by all my friends as the Vampyre Finishing School, where I would spend the next four years going through bizarre and unnameable physical changes, as well as a total and permanent life shake-up. And that's only if the whole process didn't kill me. Great. I didn't want to do either. I just wanted to attempt to be normal, despite the burden of my mega-conservative parents, my troll-like younger brother, and my oh-so-perfect older sister. 

I swear I am not kidding, but I had no idea Zoey even had a brother and I've READ THE BOOKS BEFORE. If Zoey's sister is mentioned twice, that'll be the only time we'll ever hear of her brother. And I am tempted to meme again.

Now that was being taken away from me, too. 

Wait is that a protagonist complaining for NOT being able to live xir horrible life?! I don't even... WHERE DID THIS TROPE EVEN COME FROM?!

Seriously, correct me if I am wrong, but if you lived in a horrible and/or abusive environment and had to deal with awful and boring stuff all the time and then something/someone changes that, will your first reaction really be: 'Oh, gosh golly, I can't live out my extremely boring and horrible life?! I hate you, magical life-changer that all ordinary people dream about!' I mean, maybe it's just my genre-awareness speaking, but am I really the only one who thinks this is stupid?

Anyway, Zoey rushes towards her car.

But I stopped short of going outside. Through the side-by-side windows in the institutional-looking doors I could see Heath. Girls flocked around him, posing and flipping their hair, while guys revved ridiculously big pickup trucks and tried (but mostly failed) to look cool. Doesn't it figure that I would choose that to be attracted to? No, to be fair to myself I should remember that Heath used to be incredibly sweet, and even now he had his moments. Mostly when he bothered to be sober. 

I actually like this. I mean it's somewhat of a stereotype, but I think everyone who's attracted to men can attest to the fact that they've had at least one moment, when they've realized that their crush is a bit crap and went, 'oh, why do I have to be attracted to that guy?' Also, as someone who's read the other books, I can account to the fact that Heath is actually not at all a bad guy. Also, he is definitely somewhere in my top five characters.

Then we get some slut-shaming, which is super uncool and Zoey says she is afraid of judgement over her scar, so she can't go past her almost-boyfriend and his clique to her car. Because in high-school, having no nasty rumors about yourself floating around is more important than literally staying alive.

I just... no, I am not going to touch this one.

I already knew too well what they'd do. I remembered the last kid a Tracker had Chosen at SIHS. 

It happened at the beginning of the school year last year. The Tracker had come before school started and had targeted the kid as he was walking to his first hour. I didn't see the Tracker, but I did see the kid afterward, for just a second, after he dropped his books and ran out of the building, his new Mark glowing on his pale forehead and tears washing down his too white cheeks. I never forgot how crowded the halls had been that morning, and how everyone had backed away from him like he had the plague as he rushed to escape out the front doors of the school. I had been one of those kids who had backed out of his way and stared, even though I'd felt really sorry for him. I just hadn't wanted to be labeled as that-one-girl-who's-friends-with-those-freaks. Sort of ironic now, isn't it? 

No, not even tempted to go over all the aspects of elitism, stereotyping and typical not 'what-actually-happens-in-high-school', but 'what-everyone-who-isn't-in-high-school-thinks-happens-high-school' of that quote.

Or maybe it does happen. Maybe I am just more open-minded than most people? But it still sucks! And our heroine sucks for buying into all of that bullshit. However, she is Marked now, so I guess this is her journey to enlightenment and open-mindedness? Well, let's see how that goes for her then.

Zoey goes to the bathroom and stares at her scar, feeling like she's looking at a stranger. Oh, hi, overused trope! I didn't expect you until at least the  next chapter.

Finally, we get a physical description of our narrator. Basically, she's pretty but not too pretty, brunette and part Cherokee. Which I don't mind, except it's used more for "cool points" than representation.

From this day on my life would never be the same. And for a moment―just an instant―I forgot about the horror of not belonging and felt a shocking burst of pleasure, while deep inside of me the blood of my grandmother's people rejoiced. 

I... am not sure if this racist or not? It sounds a bit off to me though. Why would the blood of your grandmother's people rejoice, Zoey? Also, no none of the other books answers this either.

So, that my dear two readers, is chapter one from book one of The House of Night. Basically all that happens is that we meet one horrible character. Oh, and a title drop. There's a lot of those. I hope you like this re-cap and I guess I'll do another one soon, if I see any interest at all. The best way to that - comment!

                                                                                                 Have a great weekend!

5 Popular Dystopian Themes

Source

50 Shades of Suck: Elaborated

This is the elaboration on all points with a "*" from this post.

Again before I start: SPOILERS alert.

2. The relationship between Christian and Ana is abusive and that's never portrayed as a bad thing:

- There is no trust between them. Christian just says "trust me" and Ana doesn't have a choice.
- Christian always inflicts what he wants upon Ana without her consent.
- He scares her. (End of book 1 quote: “I knew he was playing, but I still took a step back.”)
- He isolates her from her family and friends
- He makes her want to run away (she wants to ‘run away’ to Georgia)
- He stalks her. Traces her phone, finds two addresses of hers and later, sends her a ton of emails to ‘check-up’ on her.
- He makes her feel overwhelmed
- She wants to love him to wellness
- He sees her as his property/sex object (without her consent)
- He acts excessively possessive and jealous
- He wants to control where she goes, what she does and who she sees
- He has a bad, unpredictable temper. She winces every time he stops smiling.
- She avoids certain topics so she won’t anger him.
- She feels like she is trapped and helpless.
- She feels like he has immense power and that there would be no point in running away. (He actually threatens her that "running to Alaska won't help.")
- He hits her and she’s afraid. It's supposed to be part of kinky play, but she never truly says ‘yes' and she doesn't like it.
- When Kate thinks there's something wrong, Ana gets very defensive.

3. Conflicting BDSM with abuse:

Listen, don't get me wrong, I'm always up for some consensual spanking. But they key word here is consensual! 

The two most important acronyms in the BDSM community are SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Everyone has their own preference, but just for the fun of it, let's see how well 50S holds up to both of these, shall we?

- Safe? Hardly! Christian never provides Ana with a safe environment (see #2), as she is constantly afraid of him. He never provides her with unbiased information sources outside of "google it," (he doesn't even say that! he directs her towards Wikipedia!) nor does he keep proper BDSM etiquette (doesn't wait for proper consent, doesn't provide proper after care, tries to push her hard limits etc.)

- Sane? Most of the time she is drunk or he uses oragsm denial to manipulate her (without her consent. Consensual orgasm denial is great!) He is garbage. Next!

- Consensual? Doubtful. He manipulates her emotionally (‘I won’t be with you, if you don’t do this. I’ll try harder, if you do this.’); and uses orgasm denials to make her do what he wants (without her consent). He also pushes her hard limits. Hint: there's a reason they are called "hard" limits.

- Risk Aware? Nope! Ana is never provided with enough information about what she is "consenting" to.

- Kink? Well, she reads one article on Wikipedia and gets so freaked out, she closes the computer. So even "kink" is questionable tbh.

5. What is Christian paying Dr. Flynn for? I could've done a better job!

- Dr. Flynn is trying cure Christian’s sexual preferences. Why? There's nothing wrong with being kinky, as long as you and your partners are adults and you abide by SSC and/or RACK.

- Dr. Flynn has never once told Christian that his birth-mother loved him, but they were both victims of a bad situation; that his mom couldn't protect him, because she was a scared mentally ill teenager (yes, addiction is a mental illness) and that he shouldn't blame her.

Here, I just healed Christian’s desire to look for skinny brunettes to beat in thirty seconds.

6. The writing is terrible.

- Here’s a fun exercise: right now, try to recall three reasons why Christian finds Ana so 'beguiling'! Pretty damn hard, isn’t it? That's because we know fucking nothing about her. Really, think of description of Ana that doesn't include a color, or the words "skinny", "literature" and "Christian." I dare you!

- EL James uses every single bad cliché in the genre. Naïve virgin falls for the young, enigmatic, "alpha male," who has a ‘dark’ secret... Why can’t it be: A street-smart woman with healthy sexual history falls for the older, confident man who isn’t ashamed to admit that he's into kink? [Fun fact: that's exactly what my book "Baby Let Me Tie You Up" (working title) is about.]

- The very two characters in Ana’s head: her subconscious and her inner goddess. Both redundant and ridiculous.

- A lot of research on meaningless details, and not on important plot elements. I don't care which highway Ana takes to get to x place, but what I do care about a proper representation of kinksters. Contrary to poular belief, we are actually an oppressed minority. (I know EL claims she did research BDSM, but honestly it doesn't show. Christian is an an abuser, not a Dom, and he's ashamed of his kinks. Also, if he were a real person, he wouldn't even be into BDSM, and if he was, he'd be a sub. That's not just my opinion, for the record.)

13. These two characters don’t love each other, and quite frankly - I'm not sure they even like each other:*

- Every scene between the two of them (that isn’t a sex scene), they seem uncomfortable just being together

- For the most part of first book all they seem to do is make small talk or discuss their sex life, but they rarely if ever talk about anything that matters.

- They have sex instead of dealing with their problems. And this is portrayed as healthy.

18. All the damn misogyny:*

- Women can’t be real friends, they are always jealous of one another or patronize each other
- Women's goal must always be to "get" the "best" man, and they must always compete for him.
- When two or more men talk to each other it’s “networking” or “socializing,” but when two or more women do is “gossiping”
- When a man works it's always “concentrating” and “serious,” but when a woman does it's always “busying oneself” or “bustling.” Source

27. The books ignore the internal conflict, or pretend that Christian being kinky is the issue. He is also not really kinky. but that's a whole other topic:*

Christian has a ton of mommy issues, yet according to the books the problem is not the fact that he has some sort of Oedipus Complex, or that he consistently stalks and ignores the boundaries of skinny brunettes; but the fact that he likes tieing them up and beating them. Except he doesn't even like that. At least not when they enthusiastically consent to it. He prefers his women scared and upset.

44. The premise is bullshit.* Kate must be the world’s worst newspaper editor-in-charge.

Ok, here’s a little quiz for you!

You are the editor-in-charge of a newspaper/magazine and you've organized a very important interview, but you just got sick and can’t go! What do you do?

a) Send another journalist, who is familiar with your work around the interview, as well as the interviewee themselves.

b) Send literally anyone, who has a basic understanding of how journalism works and how to google things on their phone.

c) Send your roommate, who knows nothing about either journalism, the interviewee or even how the internet works, and who apparently has some kind of a plot-relted condition that will cause her to fumble in the interviewee's office and spend ten minutes setting up a damn tape recorder!

If you answered a) or b) – congratulations, you are not a complete idiot! If you answered c)… well, hello, EL James.

46. Ana's emotional age is eleven.

- She has never in her 21-year-old life had any sexual feelings or thoughts of any kind.

Of course, asexuality exists, but:

- She approaches sex like 11-year-olds do – with curiosity, but a sense of shame and embarrassment. (Her reactions to normal, healthy sexual feelings are described as being ‘child-like’; she can’t use normal words for genitalia; she constantly blushes over her own sexual thoughts; she is very naive etc.)

- She continues to slut-shame Kate, but all Kate really does is enjoy a healthy adult attitude towards sex, even if she is a little promiscuous (there's nothing wrong with that, as long as she is being careful!)

NOTE: (TW: CSA, Transphobic Slurs, Homophobia)

I read an article that claimed that 50 Shades was "pedophilia hidden in plain sight" and that Ana’s age of 21 is a "fake age," which was rather disturbing. However, I disagree. I don't believe anyone, who isn't an offending pedophile, or apparently Milo What's-His-Name would romanticise child-sexual abuse, nor do I believe ELJ is skilled enough writer to pull that off. When it doubt, the answer is probably stupidity, not maliciousness.

50 Shades of Suck

A/N: I originally wrote this when I was 17, so some editing has been in order.

A few things. before I start:

• SPOILER WARNING!! Read at your own risk.

• All points with a * will be elaborated on, in a different post.

• I believe in freedom of art. I also believe in the importance of critiquing art that spreads harmful messages, especially if it's mass produced. Or is just, y'know - bad.

• I was once told I don't like 50 Shades, because I've never been in love and so "I don't get it." This was over six years ago (as of date of posting), and to this day, I haven't been able to live it down. I'm not sure if I should be more offended at the implication that I'm too stupid to know what love looks like; or the implication that people who are in love become stupid enough to think that the 50 Shades trilogy is good representation of healthy, loving relationships. 

Anyway, the reasons I actually don't like it are because:

1.  It’s not a love-story masterpiece, it's porn on paper. There's nothing wrong with porn on paper of course, but let's call a duck a duck.

2. The relationship between Christian and Ana is abusive and that's never portrayed as a bad thing.* p. 218, 50 Shades Freed – proof.

3. The book, the author and the readers confuse BDSM with abuse. The key word is: consent!

4. It promotes the idea that “love cures” abuse. According to this book, if Ana loves Christian hard enough, she will cure his emotional and psychological trauma (see 2) and as many abusive relationships in real life have proven – this doesn’t work. Speaking of which:

5. What is Christian paying Dr. Flynn for?* I could’ve done a better job!

6. The writing is terrible.* It’s filled with purple prose, needless descriptions, little to no fundamental descriptions, clichés, little to no research on what matters.*

7. Ana is a poorly written character, who we are supposed to consider flawless, even if the book gives lip service to her not-actual-flaws, flaws (like clumsiness). All men are attracted to her, all "cool" girls want to be her friends and no one criticizes her bad behavior, even though they judge others for behaving the same way she does.

8. Ana is also a terrible person. She is whiny, spineless, misogynistic, selfish and has the personality of a doormat.

9. Christian is a huge douche bag. Book 3, p.218+ Just an example

10. There is little to no plot and when there is, the characters actively refuse to take any part in it.
Everything revolves around the sex-scenes which don’t bring anything to the story. There’s no real conflict, just angst and melodrama. When there is conflict, it is downplayed and can be resolved with one 911 call, which no one makes because fuck logic!, I guess.

11. The dialogue! Oh, dear god the dialogue! It’s cheesy, unrealistic and uses too many words to communicate very few things.

12. Stupid, foggy and unsexy euphemisms for genitalia. A little tip from your úntie Charlie: if you can only refer to your vagina as "down there," even in your own head, you might just not be quite mature enough to have sex in the first place.

13. Christian and Ana don’t love each other, and quite frankly - I'm not sure they even like each other.*

14. You can feel the author pulling the characters' strings.* Yes, it’s a book and some suspension of disbelief is expected, but the interaction between the characters doesn't seem natural at all. They all act like a bunch of puppets controlled by a puppeteer.

15. It’s started as a fan fiction of Twilight! I mean, of all the things in the world to rip off - Twilight? Really?

16. Because of 14 and 15, some things just don’t make sense. Why don’t they just call the police on Leila? Everything would be resolved right away, but you see, but since she was a vampire in the original, they couldn't. Except she isn't a vampire in this version, so that just makes no sense. In fact, kind of makes it seem like Christian wanted Leila to kill Ana.

17. It jumps the shark. Then it continues running towards the the edge of the eternal abyss, jumps over that too, and sprints for about two hundred more meters.

18. All the damn misogyny.*

19. It's too long and therefore - boring! So much from these books can be edited out and make one book. A giant book probably, but at least it would be one. EL has this awful habit to saying things that can be said into a line or two, with paragraphs upon paragraphs. To quote from a fellow blogger Chris Murray, “While Stephanie Meyer writes about interesting shit in a boring way, EL James writes about boring shit in a boring way.”

20. Rich is good, poor is shameful message. Especially in books 2 and 3. Real nice, ELJ!

21. It promotes toxic masculinity, such as the idea that a man has to be conventionally attractive, rich, sexually and personally "dominant" and hate even the mere suggestion that he could be anything other than a Straighty McHetero.

22. It's not actually very sexy. For a book, that will supposedly revive/save/better your sex life, the sex scenes are actually kind of dry, repetitive, and if I may so myself - pretty vanilla. I'm actually way more kinky than Christian Grey.

23. E.L. James refuses to take responsibility for her books and admit her mistakes. 

24. The writing is annoying. These books contain the biggest collection of annoying phrases and expressions I've ever read. "Fair point well made, Miss Steele"; "his jeans hang of his hips in that way" (what way?) and what the hell is with all of these non-edible items being described as "delicious"?

25. Clumsy attempts at creating a sense of intense and memorable romance. Reminding us of things that happened days, or better yet – mere hours ago as means to tell us "look they are so connected!", doesn’t work. Stop doing it!

26. 50 Shades Freed was completely pointless! The internal conflict was "resolved" by then. Why did we need another terrible sequel?

27. The books ignore the internal conflict, or pretend that Christian being kinky is the issue. He is also not really kinky, but that's a whole other topic.*

28. The external conflict also sucks! Jack Hyde is your typical clichéd, moustache-twirling villain; the Leila subplot had a horribly disappointing payoff and Elena could have created interesting conflict, but her subplot is not explored nearly enough and it's turned into cheap melodrama, instead.

29. Inconsistently written secondary characters. Case in point: Kate. She cares about Ana's well being, but she lives her drunk and passed out with a stranger she doesn't trust?

30. Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious. You need to read for yourself to believe those are actual characters. The first represents Ana's constant horniness and the other her internalized misogyny. I want to hit them both, possibly with a book better than this one.

31. Choosing non-conflict over conflict. There are little to no interesting issues or subplots and when there is a spark of some, the author chooses to drop them in a favour if something mundane and boring, that we are supposed to care about, like Ana's panties (book 1); what present Ana gets Christian for his birthday (book 2) and what method of contraception Christian prefers (book 2).

32. No character development. None, whatsoever. It’s even worse than Twilight!

33. Rape through coercion. 50 Shades of Grey, chapter 20 in the boathouse. 50 Shades Darker - after the Leila "conflict" (see 32) is resolved and other such "charming" occasions.

34. Hairism. All blondes are evil or bitchy. Aaaaaall of them. Even Kate, to some extent.

35. WTF moment #1: Ana is a 2011 college graduate who’s never had a laptop, a tablet or a smart phone. Riiiiiiiiight!

36. Unrealistically fast pacing. Christian proposes to Ana after only month, five days of which they had been broken up, and they get married after two months. U-hauling much?

37. Sharing a toothbrush and thinking it’s sexy. I guess this is one of those YMMV things, and I might even accept it's intimate, but sexy? Yeah, no.

38. Ana's immature obsession with sex. She is obsessed with her own sex life and assumes other people are too and judges everyone based on the amount of sex they do or don't have, which is something I did when I was fourteen.

39. Characterisation 101: Informed attributes aren't actual attributes, E.L.! If you want me to believe Christian is charming I need to actually see him be charming. If you want me to think Ana is smart, she has to show some awareness to the world around her.

40. WTF moment #2: Ana goes from personal assistant to an editor in a goddamn week, and this is meant to be taken as a good thing. I mean, come on, she wasn't even a very good assistant!

41. Clumsy attempts at Damsel in Distress trope. Listen, sometimes humans need help, that's fine. Except in this case this looks pretty damn creepy. Case in point: chapter 3, book 1. Just... just that.

42. Christian is trying to buy Ana. He gives her expensive gifts, even though she constantly tells him it makes her uncomfortable, and he clearly believes she owes him affection in return.

43. The premise is bullshit.* Kate must be the world’s worst newspaper editor-in-charge.

44. This is not how business works. Christian is shown to be this unbelievably rich and successful CEO of a huge company (that he build on his own in less than 10 years), but what we have been shown is that he never works and makes business decisions based on who he’s porking right now or who he wants to pork in the future. Oh, and supposedly he is richer than Bill Gates. Sure, Jan!

45. Ana's emotional age is eleven.*

46. These two communicate like teenagers in a bad musical. Stop playing songs to each other, you are not in Glee! Maybe try talking instead?

47. Statutory rape we are not supposed to see as bad. Elena Robinson – around 27 at the time, starts a sexual relationship with then – 15-year-old Christian and it’s downplayed horribly. Eventually it's brought up, but the issue becomes not that she took advantage of him, but that she introduced him to kink! For a supposedly kinky book, 50 Shades really seems to hate kinky people!

48. WTF moment #3: They are shaving each other, which we are meant to see as sexy. I mean, Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Ok and all, but I would wager that the the vast majority of the audience isn't particularly interested in the characters' body hair and what they do with it. Also, how creepy is that Christian simply won't respect Ana's boundaries about shaving and uses physical force to overpower her and do what he wants? Ugh!

49. Ana has more romantic and sexual chemistry with several characters than she does with Christian. Amongst these are: Kate, Jason Taylor and hell, even Christian's brother, Elliot.

50. The books have homophobic and biphobic messages. Christian gets mad when Ana asks, if he is gay; Ana judges Elliot, when Christian implies he is bisexual; and Ana herself seems to struggle with attraction to women that she constantly represses.