I'm not over 50 Shades.
I mean, it's still happening, isn't it? There's at least one more terrible movie to come out, if not two.
So I was wondering what I could do express my grievances with 50 Shades, of which I have a few (as seen here and here and in fact, my entire 50 Shades of Realism page).
I tried rewriting it, but honestly that's too much work and it just makes me want to write my own original BDSM erotic romance novel. Which I am, by the way. The working title is Baby, Let Me Tie You Up. I have something like 1/3 of it written and none of it is published anywhere, but you can check out my Pinterest board here.
Then maybe I could spork it - aka recap and comment? Sure, but that has already been done by Jenny Trout, Erika, Gehayi and Ket, The Snark Squad and at least a couple of others I'm not remembering. (Check them out, they're all great). And I just don't think I have anything new or original enough to add to justify my own recaps. Plus, sporking kind of makes me angry and frustrated, so I'd rather focus my energy into something creative.
But then. I thought of something different I could do. I'm calling this 50 Shades of Grey - The Second Draft.
Basically, what I do is I go over the text with a fine comb and I, uh... fix it.
I won't change anything huge in terms of plot and big character points, but I will change a lot of little things. Dialogue, dialogue tags, character actions etc, until I have a more coherent text with less misogyny, abuse, bdsm bashing and so on. I'm not editing per se - editing requires less work that what I'm doing - and it's not a rewrite either, because that requires more work than what I'm doing. It basically is a second draft. If the second draft was made by an entirely different person.
I think there's a solid three star book somewhere in 50 Shades and I'll try my best to pull it up to the surface. The results will be posted on my accounts in a3o and ff.net and linked here and all over my tumblr and twitter.
And if you want to support me in this project, you can Buy Me a Coffee.
Showing posts with label 50 shades. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 50 shades. Show all posts
Saturday, October 28, 2017
Saturday, August 12, 2017
25 Reasons Why Twilight Is Better Than 50 Shades
Oh, don't get me wrong, Twilight is horrendous. But at least it's not 50 Shades.
1. Twilight is unintentionally hilarious. 50 Shades is either dull or aggravating.
Example:
"Aren't you hungry?" he asked.
"No," I didn't want to mention that my stomach was already full - full of butterflies."
2. This one is going to hurt, but... Twilight has a somewhat, coherent, sensible, plot, which actually affects the characters and their relationship.
Yes, it's not very smart plot, and it goes away almost as soon as it shows up, but at least it's there... kind of. 50 Shades on the other hand is just filled with over-the-top drama and villains that in the don't really affect Ana and Christian and the inner conflict is finished by the end of book 2.
3. Stephenie Meyer doesn't hate her protagonists.
SM's writing sure has some... unfortunate implications, to put it mildly, but she does openly hate her Native American characters. Jacob in particular is pretty nice and likable character, at least in the beginning. James on the other hand goes out of her way to make sure that José is stereotypically brown Hispanic, and then has him almost date-rape Ana in chapter 3, to make sure that we don't like him and he is no competition for Grey (even though Grey is much worse).
4. Twilight has a, er... philosophy?!
There are... ideas in Twilight. Badly portrayed and underdeveloped ideas for sure, but ideas nonetheless. 50 Shades just has "kinky people are fucked up" and "being rich is cool." Thanks for that, ELJ!
5. Twilight doesn't (completely) gloss over scenes without Edward in them.
Maybe the first book does, but later on we get some really cool scenes with the werewolves and the other vampires and even a few "human" scenes. Jacob even becomes the narrator for a little while and we get to learn more about the werewolf-pack dynamics. 50 Shades on the other hand, feels that if Christian isn't in the picture, we don't care, when in reality I spend every moment wishing he would go away.
6. Internal conflict
Yeah, yeah, everyone knew that Bella will end up with Edward. But Jacob was still a very viable option, what he offered was tempting, even if just for a moment. And the whole human/vampire thing kind of presented a problem for the main pairing (only kind of). Christian has no romantic rivals, since Ana never likes anyone else (unless you count Kate, but unfortunately, I don't think we can) and the only conflict the books present is that Ana doesn't like pain. Which they later "overcome", because he stops beating her. Progress?
7. Twilight has the Volturi.
Self-explanatory. Moving on:
8. Edward has companions. Christian doesn't.
Edward has a family. How much he enjoys their company is debatable, but at least we are supposed to think he likes them. Christian has a brother and sister he seems to actively dislike and his only friend is the woman who molested him as a young teenager.
9. The dad.
Charlie was amazing. I wish he'd gotten the treatment he deserved. Ray was... in two scenes and then in a coma. Umm...
10. The mom.'
Renee might have been absent-minded and flighty, but she was also sweet and caring. When Christian shows up in Georgia, Carla basically tells Ana to go fuck him, while they were spending time together (filing this under: "conversations that will never happen") instead of: "He followed you to Georgia without your invitation or knowledge, after you specifically told him you want time away?! Ana, honey, call the cops, call them now!"
11. No tedious email-exchanges in Twilight.
Twilight may have felt like it was happening more in the early 90s than the beginning of the 21st century, but at least it didn't treat us to incredibly long and dull email-exchanges with incredibly long TO: FROM: DATE: SUBJECT:, unlike those other books.
12. "This is the skin of a killer, Bella!" *sparkles*
Nothing, absolutely nothing in the entire universe can ever top this moment!
13. 50 Shades is actively homophobic, Twilight just pretends LGBTQ+ people don't exist.
Obviously neither alternative is great, but if I had to pick whether to be ignored by mainstream media; or being told that it's better to be an abusive asshole than to be gay or that my sexuality would be a "deal breaker" in a relationship (what Ana says about Kate, when Christian implies Elliot is bisexual); I would definitely pick the first option.
14. The ending.
Yes the ending of Twilight is pretty cheesy and it doesn't actually tie up the loose ending of the Volturi, but at least it doesn't read like the fever dream Ana has after Christian finally murders her.
15. Stephanie Meyer was passionate about her story until the end. James hated it by the time the third book came around.
Sure, Breaking Dawn was an epic failure even by Twilight standards, because SMeyer wrote it as the sequel of Twilight and didn't change it enough to account for New Moon and Eclipse, but at least it didn't read like she was being forced into writing it.
16. Twilight inspired literacy.
Twilight came in the perfect time after the Harry Potter phenomenon was dying out and inspired teens and tweens to read (hopefully better) books. 50 Shades just inspired vanilla people into thinking they are suddenly incredibly risqué now and overran kinky communities with uneducated fake subs and abusers looking for an easy victim.*
17. Bella doesn't feel the compulsive need to always be the prettiest girl in the room.
Sure she's a lot more vain than SM likes to pretend, but at least she doesn't feel an almost compulsive need to compare herself to any other woman in the room, even in a situation where people are worried and looking good isn't the first thing on their minds.
18. Vampire baseball
Second only to "skin of a killer!" Sorry, 50 Shades, no way you can top that!
19. The beta couples
We may not get to see too much of Jasper/Alice or Rosalie/Emmett, but we certainly get a lot more than anything about Kate/Elliot and Mia/Ethan in 50 Shades. And the only reason why Mia starts dating Ethan, and Kate starts dating Elliot in the first place, is because they were based off on characters who were together in Twilight
20. Edward isn't entirely unrealistic (for a vampire). Christian is.
Edward often acts and talks out of his time; he knows a lot more than an actual 17-year-old; his reaction(s) to Bella make sense etc. Christian left college to start a business; manages to become richer than Bill Gates in less than ten years; yet constantly blows off work to go to a near town and stalk a girl; responds to personal emails instantly; goes on long vacations and all in all... never really seems to work.
21. Bella fights for what she wants (sort of). Ana doesn't.
Bella wants to be a vampire and she'll do anything to get it. Sure, that doesn't always portray her in the best light, but at least she is not a complete pushover.
22. Bella and Edward have things in common (sort of). Christian and Ana, have nothing, except sex.
Bella and Edward like dull music, "classic literature," and talking about supernatural stuff. If Ana and Christian stopped banging for ten seconds they will quickly realise they have absolutely no common interests or hobbies.
23. Bella actually bonds with the Cullens. Ana just sort of... tolerates the Greys.
Bella likes the Cullens and they like her back. Ana is neutral towards his parents, tolerates his siblings and doesn't much care for his grandparents.
24. The names
Bella Swan and Edward Cullen might be pretentious and self-indulgent names, but at least they sound like actual names. WTF is Anastasia Rose Steele?
25. Potential for sequels about other characters
Edward and Bella's story is definitely finished, but there are plenty of other characters, whose stories can be told in Twilight. Unless someone writes the secret bisexual adventures of of Elliot and Kate (because they are both definitely bi!), I don't think there's much more to be explored in the 50 Shades universe.
*I want to make it extremely clear I'm very supportive of anyone who discovered they are kinky through 50 Shades. I sort of did, in a way. What I'm referring to, is people who come to kink with a lot of uneducated opinions and under the delusion that kink in real life works like it does in 50 Shades. These people usually aren't even actually kinky, and just end up putting themselves and others in danger.
1. Twilight is unintentionally hilarious. 50 Shades is either dull or aggravating.
Example:
"Aren't you hungry?" he asked.
"No," I didn't want to mention that my stomach was already full - full of butterflies."
2. This one is going to hurt, but... Twilight has a somewhat, coherent, sensible, plot, which actually affects the characters and their relationship.
Yes, it's not very smart plot, and it goes away almost as soon as it shows up, but at least it's there... kind of. 50 Shades on the other hand is just filled with over-the-top drama and villains that in the don't really affect Ana and Christian and the inner conflict is finished by the end of book 2.
3. Stephenie Meyer doesn't hate her protagonists.
SM's writing sure has some... unfortunate implications, to put it mildly, but she does openly hate her Native American characters. Jacob in particular is pretty nice and likable character, at least in the beginning. James on the other hand goes out of her way to make sure that José is stereotypically brown Hispanic, and then has him almost date-rape Ana in chapter 3, to make sure that we don't like him and he is no competition for Grey (even though Grey is much worse).
4. Twilight has a, er... philosophy?!
There are... ideas in Twilight. Badly portrayed and underdeveloped ideas for sure, but ideas nonetheless. 50 Shades just has "kinky people are fucked up" and "being rich is cool." Thanks for that, ELJ!
5. Twilight doesn't (completely) gloss over scenes without Edward in them.
Maybe the first book does, but later on we get some really cool scenes with the werewolves and the other vampires and even a few "human" scenes. Jacob even becomes the narrator for a little while and we get to learn more about the werewolf-pack dynamics. 50 Shades on the other hand, feels that if Christian isn't in the picture, we don't care, when in reality I spend every moment wishing he would go away.
6. Internal conflict
Yeah, yeah, everyone knew that Bella will end up with Edward. But Jacob was still a very viable option, what he offered was tempting, even if just for a moment. And the whole human/vampire thing kind of presented a problem for the main pairing (only kind of). Christian has no romantic rivals, since Ana never likes anyone else (unless you count Kate, but unfortunately, I don't think we can) and the only conflict the books present is that Ana doesn't like pain. Which they later "overcome", because he stops beating her. Progress?
7. Twilight has the Volturi.
Self-explanatory. Moving on:
8. Edward has companions. Christian doesn't.
Edward has a family. How much he enjoys their company is debatable, but at least we are supposed to think he likes them. Christian has a brother and sister he seems to actively dislike and his only friend is the woman who molested him as a young teenager.
9. The dad.
Charlie was amazing. I wish he'd gotten the treatment he deserved. Ray was... in two scenes and then in a coma. Umm...
10. The mom.'
Renee might have been absent-minded and flighty, but she was also sweet and caring. When Christian shows up in Georgia, Carla basically tells Ana to go fuck him, while they were spending time together (filing this under: "conversations that will never happen") instead of: "He followed you to Georgia without your invitation or knowledge, after you specifically told him you want time away?! Ana, honey, call the cops, call them now!"
11. No tedious email-exchanges in Twilight.
Twilight may have felt like it was happening more in the early 90s than the beginning of the 21st century, but at least it didn't treat us to incredibly long and dull email-exchanges with incredibly long TO: FROM: DATE: SUBJECT:, unlike those other books.
12. "This is the skin of a killer, Bella!" *sparkles*
Nothing, absolutely nothing in the entire universe can ever top this moment!
13. 50 Shades is actively homophobic, Twilight just pretends LGBTQ+ people don't exist.
Obviously neither alternative is great, but if I had to pick whether to be ignored by mainstream media; or being told that it's better to be an abusive asshole than to be gay or that my sexuality would be a "deal breaker" in a relationship (what Ana says about Kate, when Christian implies Elliot is bisexual); I would definitely pick the first option.
14. The ending.
Yes the ending of Twilight is pretty cheesy and it doesn't actually tie up the loose ending of the Volturi, but at least it doesn't read like the fever dream Ana has after Christian finally murders her.
15. Stephanie Meyer was passionate about her story until the end. James hated it by the time the third book came around.
Sure, Breaking Dawn was an epic failure even by Twilight standards, because SMeyer wrote it as the sequel of Twilight and didn't change it enough to account for New Moon and Eclipse, but at least it didn't read like she was being forced into writing it.
16. Twilight inspired literacy.
Twilight came in the perfect time after the Harry Potter phenomenon was dying out and inspired teens and tweens to read (hopefully better) books. 50 Shades just inspired vanilla people into thinking they are suddenly incredibly risqué now and overran kinky communities with uneducated fake subs and abusers looking for an easy victim.*
17. Bella doesn't feel the compulsive need to always be the prettiest girl in the room.
Sure she's a lot more vain than SM likes to pretend, but at least she doesn't feel an almost compulsive need to compare herself to any other woman in the room, even in a situation where people are worried and looking good isn't the first thing on their minds.
18. Vampire baseball
Second only to "skin of a killer!" Sorry, 50 Shades, no way you can top that!
19. The beta couples
We may not get to see too much of Jasper/Alice or Rosalie/Emmett, but we certainly get a lot more than anything about Kate/Elliot and Mia/Ethan in 50 Shades. And the only reason why Mia starts dating Ethan, and Kate starts dating Elliot in the first place, is because they were based off on characters who were together in Twilight
20. Edward isn't entirely unrealistic (for a vampire). Christian is.
Edward often acts and talks out of his time; he knows a lot more than an actual 17-year-old; his reaction(s) to Bella make sense etc. Christian left college to start a business; manages to become richer than Bill Gates in less than ten years; yet constantly blows off work to go to a near town and stalk a girl; responds to personal emails instantly; goes on long vacations and all in all... never really seems to work.
21. Bella fights for what she wants (sort of). Ana doesn't.
Bella wants to be a vampire and she'll do anything to get it. Sure, that doesn't always portray her in the best light, but at least she is not a complete pushover.
22. Bella and Edward have things in common (sort of). Christian and Ana, have nothing, except sex.
Bella and Edward like dull music, "classic literature," and talking about supernatural stuff. If Ana and Christian stopped banging for ten seconds they will quickly realise they have absolutely no common interests or hobbies.
23. Bella actually bonds with the Cullens. Ana just sort of... tolerates the Greys.
Bella likes the Cullens and they like her back. Ana is neutral towards his parents, tolerates his siblings and doesn't much care for his grandparents.
24. The names
Bella Swan and Edward Cullen might be pretentious and self-indulgent names, but at least they sound like actual names. WTF is Anastasia Rose Steele?
25. Potential for sequels about other characters
Edward and Bella's story is definitely finished, but there are plenty of other characters, whose stories can be told in Twilight. Unless someone writes the secret bisexual adventures of of Elliot and Kate (because they are both definitely bi!), I don't think there's much more to be explored in the 50 Shades universe.
*I want to make it extremely clear I'm very supportive of anyone who discovered they are kinky through 50 Shades. I sort of did, in a way. What I'm referring to, is people who come to kink with a lot of uneducated opinions and under the delusion that kink in real life works like it does in 50 Shades. These people usually aren't even actually kinky, and just end up putting themselves and others in danger.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Christian Grey Vs Seto Kaiba or How an Action-Anime for Kids Did It Better!
Previously: Ana Steele VS The Modern Virgin
So Christian Grey is a dream boat, right?
Well, no, not really. But for the sake of this game, let's go with what the books tell us about him, rather than what they show:
- Christian is very successful and self-made
- He is intimidating
- He likes fast and expensive cars
- He likes big displays of wealth, social status and ego-strokes
- He is selfish, a bit of a jerk and certainly a control freak
- He has a broken childhood and a dead parent-figure
- He is amazing at his job and has cartoonish bodyguard(s)
- He loves his sibling
- He is incredibly young, hot and is into BDSM
Hmm, I can think of one very prominent character a bit like that. He's not from any erotic fiction, but I remember him being my sexual awakening, you might say. Ok, not really obviously, since I was around eight or nine when I watched the show for the first time, but... he was so just so cool...
Sorry, I got distracted for a second. Anyway, here he is:
Yu Gi Oh is an action anime targeted towards kids and teens. It's about adults playing a children's card game. Really, I can't explain it any better. Seto Kaiba (or Kaiba as the show referred to him) is a kind of an antagonist, although he would often help the heroes, even if it's for a selfish reason. He is basically everything that I said about Christian Grey and more. Well, except for the fact that he is a sub and on the asexual and aromantic spectrums... but that's a topic for another time,
Unlike Grey, however whose personality is the color of his name, Kaiba is um... how do I say this? Interesting.
Besides the things I already pointed out, he:
- is also a genius
- can pilot planes and helicopters
- is a world-class hacker
- is a bit of a pick-pocketer,
- is pretty proficient in martial-arts
- is a great escape-artist, amazing chess player and world-chapion of that damn card-game
- is incredibly badass
Not to mention, that what we are told about Kaiba is the same as what we are shown. This guy was a workaholic! And not a made-up workaholic like Christian, who can blow-off important business meetings on a whim; never ever works on a weekend; has all the time for lavish vacations; and basically makes his business decisions based on who he is currently fucking. We are actually shown how invested Kaiba is in his work. Also, the reason Kaiba he is so ridiculously successful is not only because he was a kid-genius, but he also had his adoptive father's money and his company that he re-build and was basically trained to be this by his father from an early age. Also, while he is a chaotic neutral, possibly chaotic bad (though sometimes - chaotic good) and an egotistical jerk, he also loves his brother more than anything. He isn't abusive either. Mostly, he just desperately needs a hug.
Also, did I mention that he was really hot!
Basically what I'm saying is - when a kid's show centered around adults playing a children's card game, a show that included NO ROMANCE (even by kids' shows' standards) has a sexeier, more realistic enigmatic-CEO-jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold, than the most successful book ever, something is terribly wrong.
So Christian Grey is a dream boat, right?
Well, no, not really. But for the sake of this game, let's go with what the books tell us about him, rather than what they show:
- Christian is very successful and self-made
- He is intimidating
- He likes fast and expensive cars
- He likes big displays of wealth, social status and ego-strokes
- He is selfish, a bit of a jerk and certainly a control freak
- He has a broken childhood and a dead parent-figure
- He is amazing at his job and has cartoonish bodyguard(s)
- He loves his sibling
- He is incredibly young, hot and is into BDSM
Hmm, I can think of one very prominent character a bit like that. He's not from any erotic fiction, but I remember him being my sexual awakening, you might say. Ok, not really obviously, since I was around eight or nine when I watched the show for the first time, but... he was so just so cool...
Sorry, I got distracted for a second. Anyway, here he is:
 |
| Oh, snap! |
Yu Gi Oh is an action anime targeted towards kids and teens. It's about adults playing a children's card game. Really, I can't explain it any better. Seto Kaiba (or Kaiba as the show referred to him) is a kind of an antagonist, although he would often help the heroes, even if it's for a selfish reason. He is basically everything that I said about Christian Grey and more. Well, except for the fact that he is a sub and on the asexual and aromantic spectrums... but that's a topic for another time,
Unlike Grey, however whose personality is the color of his name, Kaiba is um... how do I say this? Interesting.
Besides the things I already pointed out, he:
- is also a genius
- can pilot planes and helicopters
- is a world-class hacker
- is a bit of a pick-pocketer,
- is pretty proficient in martial-arts
- is a great escape-artist, amazing chess player and world-chapion of that damn card-game
- is incredibly badass
Not to mention, that what we are told about Kaiba is the same as what we are shown. This guy was a workaholic! And not a made-up workaholic like Christian, who can blow-off important business meetings on a whim; never ever works on a weekend; has all the time for lavish vacations; and basically makes his business decisions based on who he is currently fucking. We are actually shown how invested Kaiba is in his work. Also, the reason Kaiba he is so ridiculously successful is not only because he was a kid-genius, but he also had his adoptive father's money and his company that he re-build and was basically trained to be this by his father from an early age. Also, while he is a chaotic neutral, possibly chaotic bad (though sometimes - chaotic good) and an egotistical jerk, he also loves his brother more than anything. He isn't abusive either. Mostly, he just desperately needs a hug.
Also, did I mention that he was really hot!
Basically what I'm saying is - when a kid's show centered around adults playing a children's card game, a show that included NO ROMANCE (even by kids' shows' standards) has a sexeier, more realistic enigmatic-CEO-jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold, than the most successful book ever, something is terribly wrong.
Ana Steele VS The Modern Virgin or Why Ana Sucks
For the record, I would like to start off by saying that I don't believe in the concept of "virginity" as such. I find it extremely heteronormative, I think it devalues types of sex that don't include a penis, and I find this "lose/give" language kind of creepy. I'd like to think of having sex as sharing an experience and I don't think it starts and ends with dick.
That said however, I've noticed a disturbing trend in romance fiction lately. There's this particular type of protagonist a lot of writers seem to gravitate towards. You see, it's not just that she (or he, as the trope so,metimes extends to gay pairings as well) has never had sex (which is perfectly fine on its own, of course!) She's also never dated. She's never wanted sex. She's never felt arousal. She's never masturbated. She's never tried alcohol. She's never gone to a party. She doesn't know what a "butt plug" is, despite the self-explanatory name. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that she is naive practically to the point of ridiculous.
And you know, it's fine to be introverted. It's fine to be a virgin and even slightly, naive, but the way these protagonists are written is completely unrealistic. And 50 Shades is probably the worst offender here.
1. Not having a smart-phone, laptop or email.
There is no WAY in hell Ana didn't have an email before Christian bought her that Mac. You literally need one, so you can apply to university and then you need it for various assignments.
Not having a personal laptop can happen, I guess, but from the moment you arrive at university, you are told you can do everything online and it will definitely make your life harder. Hell, when I was studying in Edinburgh, I even had to go online to do my laundry! Not kidding - you get a card, then you register to this website, put money in your card and then you can do laundry.
Smartphones you can go without fine, but people do use them a lot! Also, I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that Ana has spent four years in university and never learnt how to google stuff. I wouldn't have survived high school without that ability, let alone uni! You realize that doing research is like Academic Skills 101, right?
So then why has EL James made our heroine so detached from the world? Well, see... the internet is a place of all information. Ana with an internet connection will not be that same ridiculously-innocent Ana that we all know and hate.
2. Never having mastrubated/had any sexual fabtasies and desires of any sort:
Again, I feel the need to point this out: asexuality is a thing. There are people who don't feel sexual attraction and while that doesn't equate to arousal, there are plenty of sex repulsed and sex neutral aces that just don't care about sex or even mastruabting.
That said, this isn't the case with Ana. I cannot explain this better than the ladies at 50 Shades of Green. As Nella explains: "The reason why Ana has never had any sexual fantasies before she meets her Twu Luv is not so people would relate to that, because no one would. It's that they'll relate to the fact that they think that's how it should be."
3. Not knowing basic things about sex:
There's a lot of time you just have to roll your eyes at how clueless Ana is, but as Erika points out, there's no way she'll be that clueless after four years in university. The reason EL James wrote her this way, is because she needed someone really "innocent" to be the foil of Grey and his "dark" ways.
Except... James has a very broken idea of innocence. She thinks that being innocent means a naive, conservative, clueless idiot. Ana can have no experience and still be at least a little street smart, confident and aware of her own fantasies and limitations (aka the way Dakota Johnson attempted to portray her.)
And just for funzies: here's the chapter where Ana and Christian have sex for the first time, re-capped by the awesome Jenny T, and an audio version, read by Kate Davidson.
Coming Up Next: Christian Grey VS Seto Kaiba or How Yu Gi Oh Did It Better.
That said however, I've noticed a disturbing trend in romance fiction lately. There's this particular type of protagonist a lot of writers seem to gravitate towards. You see, it's not just that she (or he, as the trope so,metimes extends to gay pairings as well) has never had sex (which is perfectly fine on its own, of course!) She's also never dated. She's never wanted sex. She's never felt arousal. She's never masturbated. She's never tried alcohol. She's never gone to a party. She doesn't know what a "butt plug" is, despite the self-explanatory name. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that she is naive practically to the point of ridiculous.
And you know, it's fine to be introverted. It's fine to be a virgin and even slightly, naive, but the way these protagonists are written is completely unrealistic. And 50 Shades is probably the worst offender here.
1. Not having a smart-phone, laptop or email.
There is no WAY in hell Ana didn't have an email before Christian bought her that Mac. You literally need one, so you can apply to university and then you need it for various assignments.
Not having a personal laptop can happen, I guess, but from the moment you arrive at university, you are told you can do everything online and it will definitely make your life harder. Hell, when I was studying in Edinburgh, I even had to go online to do my laundry! Not kidding - you get a card, then you register to this website, put money in your card and then you can do laundry.
Smartphones you can go without fine, but people do use them a lot! Also, I'm sorry but I refuse to believe that Ana has spent four years in university and never learnt how to google stuff. I wouldn't have survived high school without that ability, let alone uni! You realize that doing research is like Academic Skills 101, right?
So then why has EL James made our heroine so detached from the world? Well, see... the internet is a place of all information. Ana with an internet connection will not be that same ridiculously-innocent Ana that we all know and hate.
2. Never having mastrubated/had any sexual fabtasies and desires of any sort:
Again, I feel the need to point this out: asexuality is a thing. There are people who don't feel sexual attraction and while that doesn't equate to arousal, there are plenty of sex repulsed and sex neutral aces that just don't care about sex or even mastruabting.
That said, this isn't the case with Ana. I cannot explain this better than the ladies at 50 Shades of Green. As Nella explains: "The reason why Ana has never had any sexual fantasies before she meets her Twu Luv is not so people would relate to that, because no one would. It's that they'll relate to the fact that they think that's how it should be."
3. Not knowing basic things about sex:
There's a lot of time you just have to roll your eyes at how clueless Ana is, but as Erika points out, there's no way she'll be that clueless after four years in university. The reason EL James wrote her this way, is because she needed someone really "innocent" to be the foil of Grey and his "dark" ways.
Except... James has a very broken idea of innocence. She thinks that being innocent means a naive, conservative, clueless idiot. Ana can have no experience and still be at least a little street smart, confident and aware of her own fantasies and limitations (aka the way Dakota Johnson attempted to portray her.)
And just for funzies: here's the chapter where Ana and Christian have sex for the first time, re-capped by the awesome Jenny T, and an audio version, read by Kate Davidson.
Coming Up Next: Christian Grey VS Seto Kaiba or How Yu Gi Oh Did It Better.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
50 Shades of Suck: Elaborated
This is the elaboration on all points with a "*" from this post.
Again before I start: SPOILERS alert.
2. The relationship between Christian and Ana is abusive and that's never portrayed as a bad thing:
- There is no trust between them. Christian just says "trust me" and Ana doesn't have a choice.
- Christian always inflicts what he wants upon Ana without her consent.
- He scares her. (End of book 1 quote: “I knew he was playing, but I still took a step back.”)
- He isolates her from her family and friends
- He makes her want to run away (she wants to ‘run away’ to Georgia)
- He stalks her. Traces her phone, finds two addresses of hers and later, sends her a ton of emails to ‘check-up’ on her.
- He makes her feel overwhelmed
- She wants to love him to wellness
- He sees her as his property/sex object (without her consent)
- He acts excessively possessive and jealous
- He wants to control where she goes, what she does and who she sees
- He has a bad, unpredictable temper. She winces every time he stops smiling.
- She avoids certain topics so she won’t anger him.
- She feels like she is trapped and helpless.
- She feels like he has immense power and that there would be no point in running away. (He actually threatens her that "running to Alaska won't help.")
- He hits her and she’s afraid. It's supposed to be part of kinky play, but she never truly says ‘yes' and she doesn't like it.
- When Kate thinks there's something wrong, Ana gets very defensive.
3. Conflicting BDSM with abuse:
Listen, don't get me wrong, I'm always up for some consensual spanking. But they key word here is consensual!
The two most important acronyms in the BDSM community are SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Everyone has their own preference, but just for the fun of it, let's see how well 50S holds up to both of these, shall we?
- Safe? Hardly! Christian never provides Ana with a safe environment (see #2), as she is constantly afraid of him. He never provides her with unbiased information sources outside of "google it," (he doesn't even say that! he directs her towards Wikipedia!) nor does he keep proper BDSM etiquette (doesn't wait for proper consent, doesn't provide proper after care, tries to push her hard limits etc.)
- Sane? Most of the time she is drunk or he uses oragsm denial to manipulate her (without her consent. Consensual orgasm denial is great!) He is garbage. Next!
- Consensual? Doubtful. He manipulates her emotionally (‘I won’t be with you, if you don’t do this. I’ll try harder, if you do this.’); and uses orgasm denials to make her do what he wants (without her consent). He also pushes her hard limits. Hint: there's a reason they are called "hard" limits.
- Risk Aware? Nope! Ana is never provided with enough information about what she is "consenting" to.
- Kink? Well, she reads one article on Wikipedia and gets so freaked out, she closes the computer. So even "kink" is questionable tbh.
5. What is Christian paying Dr. Flynn for? I could've done a better job!
- Dr. Flynn is trying cure Christian’s sexual preferences. Why? There's nothing wrong with being kinky, as long as you and your partners are adults and you abide by SSC and/or RACK.
- Dr. Flynn has never once told Christian that his birth-mother loved him, but they were both victims of a bad situation; that his mom couldn't protect him, because she was a scared mentally ill teenager (yes, addiction is a mental illness) and that he shouldn't blame her.
Here, I just healed Christian’s desire to look for skinny brunettes to beat in thirty seconds.
6. The writing is terrible.
- Here’s a fun exercise: right now, try to recall three reasons why Christian finds Ana so 'beguiling'! Pretty damn hard, isn’t it? That's because we know fucking nothing about her. Really, think of description of Ana that doesn't include a color, or the words "skinny", "literature" and "Christian." I dare you!
- EL James uses every single bad cliché in the genre. Naïve virgin falls for the young, enigmatic, "alpha male," who has a ‘dark’ secret... Why can’t it be: A street-smart woman with healthy sexual history falls for the older, confident man who isn’t ashamed to admit that he's into kink? [Fun fact: that's exactly what my book "Baby Let Me Tie You Up" (working title) is about.]
- The very two characters in Ana’s head: her subconscious and her inner goddess. Both redundant and ridiculous.
- A lot of research on meaningless details, and not on important plot elements. I don't care which highway Ana takes to get to x place, but what I do care about a proper representation of kinksters. Contrary to poular belief, we are actually an oppressed minority. (I know EL claims she did research BDSM, but honestly it doesn't show. Christian is an an abuser, not a Dom, and he's ashamed of his kinks. Also, if he were a real person, he wouldn't even be into BDSM, and if he was, he'd be a sub. That's not just my opinion, for the record.)
13. These two characters don’t love each other, and quite frankly - I'm not sure they even like each other:*
- Every scene between the two of them (that isn’t a sex scene), they seem uncomfortable just being together
- For the most part of first book all they seem to do is make small talk or discuss their sex life, but they rarely if ever talk about anything that matters.
- They have sex instead of dealing with their problems. And this is portrayed as healthy.
18. All the damn misogyny:*
- Women can’t be real friends, they are always jealous of one another or patronize each other
- Women's goal must always be to "get" the "best" man, and they must always compete for him.
- When two or more men talk to each other it’s “networking” or “socializing,” but when two or more women do is “gossiping”
- When a man works it's always “concentrating” and “serious,” but when a woman does it's always “busying oneself” or “bustling.” Source
27. The books ignore the internal conflict, or pretend that Christian being kinky is the issue. He is also not really kinky. but that's a whole other topic:*
Christian has a ton of mommy issues, yet according to the books the problem is not the fact that he has some sort of Oedipus Complex, or that he consistently stalks and ignores the boundaries of skinny brunettes; but the fact that he likes tieing them up and beating them. Except he doesn't even like that. At least not when they enthusiastically consent to it. He prefers his women scared and upset.
44. The premise is bullshit.* Kate must be the world’s worst newspaper editor-in-charge.
Ok, here’s a little quiz for you!
You are the editor-in-charge of a newspaper/magazine and you've organized a very important interview, but you just got sick and can’t go! What do you do?
a) Send another journalist, who is familiar with your work around the interview, as well as the interviewee themselves.
b) Send literally anyone, who has a basic understanding of how journalism works and how to google things on their phone.
c) Send your roommate, who knows nothing about either journalism, the interviewee or even how the internet works, and who apparently has some kind of a plot-relted condition that will cause her to fumble in the interviewee's office and spend ten minutes setting up a damn tape recorder!
If you answered a) or b) – congratulations, you are not a complete idiot! If you answered c)… well, hello, EL James.
46. Ana's emotional age is eleven.
- She has never in her 21-year-old life had any sexual feelings or thoughts of any kind.
Of course, asexuality exists, but:
- She approaches sex like 11-year-olds do – with curiosity, but a sense of shame and embarrassment. (Her reactions to normal, healthy sexual feelings are described as being ‘child-like’; she can’t use normal words for genitalia; she constantly blushes over her own sexual thoughts; she is very naive etc.)
- She continues to slut-shame Kate, but all Kate really does is enjoy a healthy adult attitude towards sex, even if she is a little promiscuous (there's nothing wrong with that, as long as she is being careful!)
NOTE: (TW: CSA, Transphobic Slurs, Homophobia)
I read an article that claimed that 50 Shades was "pedophilia hidden in plain sight" and that Ana’s age of 21 is a "fake age," which was rather disturbing. However, I disagree. I don't believe anyone, who isn't an offending pedophile, or apparently Milo What's-His-Name would romanticise child-sexual abuse, nor do I believe ELJ is skilled enough writer to pull that off. When it doubt, the answer is probably stupidity, not maliciousness.
50 Shades of Suck
A/N: I originally wrote this when I was 17, so some editing has been in order.
A few things. before I start:
Anyway, the reasons I actually don't like it are because:
1. It’s not a love-story masterpiece, it's porn on paper. There's nothing wrong with porn on paper of course, but let's call a duck a duck.
2. The relationship between Christian and Ana is abusive and that's never portrayed as a bad thing.* p. 218, 50 Shades Freed – proof.
3. The book, the author and the readers confuse BDSM with abuse. The key word is: consent!
4. It promotes the idea that “love cures” abuse. According to this book, if Ana loves Christian hard enough, she will cure his emotional and psychological trauma (see 2) and as many abusive relationships in real life have proven – this doesn’t work. Speaking of which:
5. What is Christian paying Dr. Flynn for?* I could’ve done a better job!
6. The writing is terrible.* It’s filled with purple prose, needless descriptions, little to no fundamental descriptions, clichés, little to no research on what matters.*
7. Ana is a poorly written character, who we are supposed to consider flawless, even if the book gives lip service to her not-actual-flaws, flaws (like clumsiness). All men are attracted to her, all "cool" girls want to be her friends and no one criticizes her bad behavior, even though they judge others for behaving the same way she does.
8. Ana is also a terrible person. She is whiny, spineless, misogynistic, selfish and has the personality of a doormat.
9. Christian is a huge douche bag. Book 3, p.218+ Just an example
10. There is little to no plot and when there is, the characters actively refuse to take any part in it.
Everything revolves around the sex-scenes which don’t bring anything to the story. There’s no real conflict, just angst and melodrama. When there is conflict, it is downplayed and can be resolved with one 911 call, which no one makes because fuck logic!, I guess.
11. The dialogue! Oh, dear god the dialogue! It’s cheesy, unrealistic and uses too many words to communicate very few things.
12. Stupid, foggy and unsexy euphemisms for genitalia. A little tip from your úntie Charlie: if you can only refer to your vagina as "down there," even in your own head, you might just not be quite mature enough to have sex in the first place.
13. Christian and Ana don’t love each other, and quite frankly - I'm not sure they even like each other.*
14. You can feel the author pulling the characters' strings.* Yes, it’s a book and some suspension of disbelief is expected, but the interaction between the characters doesn't seem natural at all. They all act like a bunch of puppets controlled by a puppeteer.
15. It’s started as a fan fiction of Twilight! I mean, of all the things in the world to rip off - Twilight? Really?
16. Because of 14 and 15, some things just don’t make sense. Why don’t they just call the police on Leila? Everything would be resolved right away, but you see, but since she was a vampire in the original, they couldn't. Except she isn't a vampire in this version, so that just makes no sense. In fact, kind of makes it seem like Christian wanted Leila to kill Ana.
17. It jumps the shark. Then it continues running towards the the edge of the eternal abyss, jumps over that too, and sprints for about two hundred more meters.
18. All the damn misogyny.*
19. It's too long and therefore - boring! So much from these books can be edited out and make one book. A giant book probably, but at least it would be one. EL has this awful habit to saying things that can be said into a line or two, with paragraphs upon paragraphs. To quote from a fellow blogger Chris Murray, “While Stephanie Meyer writes about interesting shit in a boring way, EL James writes about boring shit in a boring way.”
20. Rich is good, poor is shameful message. Especially in books 2 and 3. Real nice, ELJ!
21. It promotes toxic masculinity, such as the idea that a man has to be conventionally attractive, rich, sexually and personally "dominant" and hate even the mere suggestion that he could be anything other than a Straighty McHetero.
22. It's not actually very sexy. For a book, that will supposedly revive/save/better your sex life, the sex scenes are actually kind of dry, repetitive, and if I may so myself - pretty vanilla. I'm actually way more kinky than Christian Grey.
23. E.L. James refuses to take responsibility for her books and admit her mistakes.
24. The writing is annoying. These books contain the biggest collection of annoying phrases and expressions I've ever read. "Fair point well made, Miss Steele"; "his jeans hang of his hips in that way" (what way?) and what the hell is with all of these non-edible items being described as "delicious"?
25. Clumsy attempts at creating a sense of intense and memorable romance. Reminding us of things that happened days, or better yet – mere hours ago as means to tell us "look they are so connected!", doesn’t work. Stop doing it!
26. 50 Shades Freed was completely pointless! The internal conflict was "resolved" by then. Why did we need another terrible sequel?
27. The books ignore the internal conflict, or pretend that Christian being kinky is the issue. He is also not really kinky, but that's a whole other topic.*
28. The external conflict also sucks! Jack Hyde is your typical clichéd, moustache-twirling villain; the Leila subplot had a horribly disappointing payoff and Elena could have created interesting conflict, but her subplot is not explored nearly enough and it's turned into cheap melodrama, instead.
29. Inconsistently written secondary characters. Case in point: Kate. She cares about Ana's well being, but she lives her drunk and passed out with a stranger she doesn't trust?
30. Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious. You need to read for yourself to believe those are actual characters. The first represents Ana's constant horniness and the other her internalized misogyny. I want to hit them both, possibly with a book better than this one.
31. Choosing non-conflict over conflict. There are little to no interesting issues or subplots and when there is a spark of some, the author chooses to drop them in a favour if something mundane and boring, that we are supposed to care about, like Ana's panties (book 1); what present Ana gets Christian for his birthday (book 2) and what method of contraception Christian prefers (book 2).
32. No character development. None, whatsoever. It’s even worse than Twilight!
33. Rape through coercion. 50 Shades of Grey, chapter 20 in the boathouse. 50 Shades Darker - after the Leila "conflict" (see 32) is resolved and other such "charming" occasions.
34. Hairism. All blondes are evil or bitchy. Aaaaaall of them. Even Kate, to some extent.
35. WTF moment #1: Ana is a 2011 college graduate who’s never had a laptop, a tablet or a smart phone. Riiiiiiiiight!
36. Unrealistically fast pacing. Christian proposes to Ana after only month, five days of which they had been broken up, and they get married after two months. U-hauling much?
37. Sharing a toothbrush and thinking it’s sexy. I guess this is one of those YMMV things, and I might even accept it's intimate, but sexy? Yeah, no.
38. Ana's immature obsession with sex. She is obsessed with her own sex life and assumes other people are too and judges everyone based on the amount of sex they do or don't have, which is something I did when I was fourteen.
39. Characterisation 101: Informed attributes aren't actual attributes, E.L.! If you want me to believe Christian is charming I need to actually see him be charming. If you want me to think Ana is smart, she has to show some awareness to the world around her.
40. WTF moment #2: Ana goes from personal assistant to an editor in a goddamn week, and this is meant to be taken as a good thing. I mean, come on, she wasn't even a very good assistant!
41. Clumsy attempts at Damsel in Distress trope. Listen, sometimes humans need help, that's fine. Except in this case this looks pretty damn creepy. Case in point: chapter 3, book 1. Just... just that.
42. Christian is trying to buy Ana. He gives her expensive gifts, even though she constantly tells him it makes her uncomfortable, and he clearly believes she owes him affection in return.
43. The premise is bullshit.* Kate must be the world’s worst newspaper editor-in-charge.
44. This is not how business works. Christian is shown to be this unbelievably rich and successful CEO of a huge company (that he build on his own in less than 10 years), but what we have been shown is that he never works and makes business decisions based on who he’s porking right now or who he wants to pork in the future. Oh, and supposedly he is richer than Bill Gates. Sure, Jan!
45. Ana's emotional age is eleven.*
46. These two communicate like teenagers in a bad musical. Stop playing songs to each other, you are not in Glee! Maybe try talking instead?
47. Statutory rape we are not supposed to see as bad. Elena Robinson – around 27 at the time, starts a sexual relationship with then – 15-year-old Christian and it’s downplayed horribly. Eventually it's brought up, but the issue becomes not that she took advantage of him, but that she introduced him to kink! For a supposedly kinky book, 50 Shades really seems to hate kinky people!
48. WTF moment #3: They are shaving each other, which we are meant to see as sexy. I mean, Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Ok and all, but I would wager that the the vast majority of the audience isn't particularly interested in the characters' body hair and what they do with it. Also, how creepy is that Christian simply won't respect Ana's boundaries about shaving and uses physical force to overpower her and do what he wants? Ugh!
49. Ana has more romantic and sexual chemistry with several characters than she does with Christian. Amongst these are: Kate, Jason Taylor and hell, even Christian's brother, Elliot.
50. The books have homophobic and biphobic messages. Christian gets mad when Ana asks, if he is gay; Ana judges Elliot, when Christian implies he is bisexual; and Ana herself seems to struggle with attraction to women that she constantly represses.
A few things. before I start:
- SPOILER WARNING!! Read at your own risk.
- All points with a * will be elaborated on, in a different post.
- I believe in freedom of art. I also believe in the importance of critiquing art that spreads harmful messages, especially if it's mass produced. Or is just, y'know - bad.
- I was once told I don't like 50 Shades, because I've never been in love and so "I don't get it." This was over six years ago (as of date of posting), and to this day, I haven't been able to live it down. I'm not sure if I should be more offended at the implication that I'm too stupid to know what love looks like; or the implication that people who are in love become stupid enough to think that the 50 Shades trilogy is good representation of healthy, loving relationships.
1. It’s not a love-story masterpiece, it's porn on paper. There's nothing wrong with porn on paper of course, but let's call a duck a duck.
2. The relationship between Christian and Ana is abusive and that's never portrayed as a bad thing.* p. 218, 50 Shades Freed – proof.
3. The book, the author and the readers confuse BDSM with abuse. The key word is: consent!
4. It promotes the idea that “love cures” abuse. According to this book, if Ana loves Christian hard enough, she will cure his emotional and psychological trauma (see 2) and as many abusive relationships in real life have proven – this doesn’t work. Speaking of which:
5. What is Christian paying Dr. Flynn for?* I could’ve done a better job!
6. The writing is terrible.* It’s filled with purple prose, needless descriptions, little to no fundamental descriptions, clichés, little to no research on what matters.*
7. Ana is a poorly written character, who we are supposed to consider flawless, even if the book gives lip service to her not-actual-flaws, flaws (like clumsiness). All men are attracted to her, all "cool" girls want to be her friends and no one criticizes her bad behavior, even though they judge others for behaving the same way she does.
8. Ana is also a terrible person. She is whiny, spineless, misogynistic, selfish and has the personality of a doormat.
9. Christian is a huge douche bag. Book 3, p.218+ Just an example
10. There is little to no plot and when there is, the characters actively refuse to take any part in it.
Everything revolves around the sex-scenes which don’t bring anything to the story. There’s no real conflict, just angst and melodrama. When there is conflict, it is downplayed and can be resolved with one 911 call, which no one makes because fuck logic!, I guess.
11. The dialogue! Oh, dear god the dialogue! It’s cheesy, unrealistic and uses too many words to communicate very few things.
12. Stupid, foggy and unsexy euphemisms for genitalia. A little tip from your úntie Charlie: if you can only refer to your vagina as "down there," even in your own head, you might just not be quite mature enough to have sex in the first place.
13. Christian and Ana don’t love each other, and quite frankly - I'm not sure they even like each other.*
14. You can feel the author pulling the characters' strings.* Yes, it’s a book and some suspension of disbelief is expected, but the interaction between the characters doesn't seem natural at all. They all act like a bunch of puppets controlled by a puppeteer.
15. It’s started as a fan fiction of Twilight! I mean, of all the things in the world to rip off - Twilight? Really?
16. Because of 14 and 15, some things just don’t make sense. Why don’t they just call the police on Leila? Everything would be resolved right away, but you see, but since she was a vampire in the original, they couldn't. Except she isn't a vampire in this version, so that just makes no sense. In fact, kind of makes it seem like Christian wanted Leila to kill Ana.
17. It jumps the shark. Then it continues running towards the the edge of the eternal abyss, jumps over that too, and sprints for about two hundred more meters.
18. All the damn misogyny.*
19. It's too long and therefore - boring! So much from these books can be edited out and make one book. A giant book probably, but at least it would be one. EL has this awful habit to saying things that can be said into a line or two, with paragraphs upon paragraphs. To quote from a fellow blogger Chris Murray, “While Stephanie Meyer writes about interesting shit in a boring way, EL James writes about boring shit in a boring way.”
20. Rich is good, poor is shameful message. Especially in books 2 and 3. Real nice, ELJ!
21. It promotes toxic masculinity, such as the idea that a man has to be conventionally attractive, rich, sexually and personally "dominant" and hate even the mere suggestion that he could be anything other than a Straighty McHetero.
22. It's not actually very sexy. For a book, that will supposedly revive/save/better your sex life, the sex scenes are actually kind of dry, repetitive, and if I may so myself - pretty vanilla. I'm actually way more kinky than Christian Grey.
23. E.L. James refuses to take responsibility for her books and admit her mistakes.
24. The writing is annoying. These books contain the biggest collection of annoying phrases and expressions I've ever read. "Fair point well made, Miss Steele"; "his jeans hang of his hips in that way" (what way?) and what the hell is with all of these non-edible items being described as "delicious"?
25. Clumsy attempts at creating a sense of intense and memorable romance. Reminding us of things that happened days, or better yet – mere hours ago as means to tell us "look they are so connected!", doesn’t work. Stop doing it!
26. 50 Shades Freed was completely pointless! The internal conflict was "resolved" by then. Why did we need another terrible sequel?
27. The books ignore the internal conflict, or pretend that Christian being kinky is the issue. He is also not really kinky, but that's a whole other topic.*
28. The external conflict also sucks! Jack Hyde is your typical clichéd, moustache-twirling villain; the Leila subplot had a horribly disappointing payoff and Elena could have created interesting conflict, but her subplot is not explored nearly enough and it's turned into cheap melodrama, instead.
29. Inconsistently written secondary characters. Case in point: Kate. She cares about Ana's well being, but she lives her drunk and passed out with a stranger she doesn't trust?
30. Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious. You need to read for yourself to believe those are actual characters. The first represents Ana's constant horniness and the other her internalized misogyny. I want to hit them both, possibly with a book better than this one.
31. Choosing non-conflict over conflict. There are little to no interesting issues or subplots and when there is a spark of some, the author chooses to drop them in a favour if something mundane and boring, that we are supposed to care about, like Ana's panties (book 1); what present Ana gets Christian for his birthday (book 2) and what method of contraception Christian prefers (book 2).
32. No character development. None, whatsoever. It’s even worse than Twilight!
33. Rape through coercion. 50 Shades of Grey, chapter 20 in the boathouse. 50 Shades Darker - after the Leila "conflict" (see 32) is resolved and other such "charming" occasions.
34. Hairism. All blondes are evil or bitchy. Aaaaaall of them. Even Kate, to some extent.
35. WTF moment #1: Ana is a 2011 college graduate who’s never had a laptop, a tablet or a smart phone. Riiiiiiiiight!
36. Unrealistically fast pacing. Christian proposes to Ana after only month, five days of which they had been broken up, and they get married after two months. U-hauling much?
37. Sharing a toothbrush and thinking it’s sexy. I guess this is one of those YMMV things, and I might even accept it's intimate, but sexy? Yeah, no.
38. Ana's immature obsession with sex. She is obsessed with her own sex life and assumes other people are too and judges everyone based on the amount of sex they do or don't have, which is something I did when I was fourteen.
39. Characterisation 101: Informed attributes aren't actual attributes, E.L.! If you want me to believe Christian is charming I need to actually see him be charming. If you want me to think Ana is smart, she has to show some awareness to the world around her.
40. WTF moment #2: Ana goes from personal assistant to an editor in a goddamn week, and this is meant to be taken as a good thing. I mean, come on, she wasn't even a very good assistant!
41. Clumsy attempts at Damsel in Distress trope. Listen, sometimes humans need help, that's fine. Except in this case this looks pretty damn creepy. Case in point: chapter 3, book 1. Just... just that.
42. Christian is trying to buy Ana. He gives her expensive gifts, even though she constantly tells him it makes her uncomfortable, and he clearly believes she owes him affection in return.
43. The premise is bullshit.* Kate must be the world’s worst newspaper editor-in-charge.
44. This is not how business works. Christian is shown to be this unbelievably rich and successful CEO of a huge company (that he build on his own in less than 10 years), but what we have been shown is that he never works and makes business decisions based on who he’s porking right now or who he wants to pork in the future. Oh, and supposedly he is richer than Bill Gates. Sure, Jan!
45. Ana's emotional age is eleven.*
46. These two communicate like teenagers in a bad musical. Stop playing songs to each other, you are not in Glee! Maybe try talking instead?
47. Statutory rape we are not supposed to see as bad. Elena Robinson – around 27 at the time, starts a sexual relationship with then – 15-year-old Christian and it’s downplayed horribly. Eventually it's brought up, but the issue becomes not that she took advantage of him, but that she introduced him to kink! For a supposedly kinky book, 50 Shades really seems to hate kinky people!
48. WTF moment #3: They are shaving each other, which we are meant to see as sexy. I mean, Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Ok and all, but I would wager that the the vast majority of the audience isn't particularly interested in the characters' body hair and what they do with it. Also, how creepy is that Christian simply won't respect Ana's boundaries about shaving and uses physical force to overpower her and do what he wants? Ugh!
49. Ana has more romantic and sexual chemistry with several characters than she does with Christian. Amongst these are: Kate, Jason Taylor and hell, even Christian's brother, Elliot.
50. The books have homophobic and biphobic messages. Christian gets mad when Ana asks, if he is gay; Ana judges Elliot, when Christian implies he is bisexual; and Ana herself seems to struggle with attraction to women that she constantly represses.
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