Questioning Post: Part 2 - Relationships with Men

• Dreading what feels like an inevitable domestic future with a man.

Kind of? I think so, I don't know.

• Or looking forward to an idealized version of it that resembles literally no m/f relationship you’ve ever seen in your life, never being able to picture any man you’ve actually met in that image.

Mmm, I guess this too?

• You have every reason to be happy in your relationship with a man, but you just aren’t / everything is going really well, but something is missing and you can’t figure out what.

N/A, I haven't dated anyone.

• Being repulsed by the dynamics of most/all real life m/f relationships you’ve seen and/or regularly feeling like “maybe it works for them but I never want my relationship to be like that.”

Yes? I'm kind of leaning towards yes on this one.

• Thinking you’re commitment-phobic because no relationship, no matter how great the guy, feels quite right and you drag your feet when it comes time to escalate it.

N/A

• Going along with escalation because it seems like the ‘appropriate time’ or bc the guy wants it so bad, even if you personally aren’t quite ready to say I love you or have labels or move in together etc.

N/A

• Or jumping ahead and trying to rush to the ‘comfortably settled’ part of relationships with guys, trying to make a relationship a done deal without investing time into emotional closeness

N/A

• Your relationships with men are devoid of passion.

N/A

• Feeling like you have to have relationships with guys and/or let them get serious in order to prove something, maybe something nebulous you can’t identify.

Maaaaybe? Not sure if this applies either.

• Only having online relationships with guys; preferring not to look at the guys you’re interacting with online; choosing not to meet up with a guy even if you seem very into him and he reciprocates and meeting up is totally realistic.

Oh, god, this hits a bit too close. Yes?

• Getting a boyfriend mostly so other people know you have a boyfriend and not really being interested in him romantically/sexually.

N/A

• Wishing your boyfriend was more like your female friends.

N/A

• Wishing your boyfriend was less interested in romance and/or sex with you and that you could just hang out as pals.

N/A

• Thinking you’re really in love with a guy but being able to get over him in such record time that you pretend to be more affected than you are so your friends don’t think you’re heartless.

N/A

• After a breakup, missing having a boyfriend more than you miss the specific guy you were with.

N/A

• Worrying that you’re broken inside and unable to really love anyone

Perhaps? A little, but that's also a common aro feeling which is something I think/thought I am.

• Having sex not out of desire for the physical pleasure or emotional closeness. but because you like feeling wanted.

N/A

• OR: preferring to ‘be a tease’ to feel wanted but feeling like following through is a chore.

N/A

• Having to be drunk or high to have sex with men.

N/A, I don't drink or take drugs and I've never had sex.

• The idea of kissing, cuddling, dating and/or having sex with men is really scary/anxiety inducing, and the idea of doing any of those things with women isn’t (or is noticeably less scary).

Perhaps? I have no idea, tbh!

• Your fantasies about men still somehow turn out to be a little gay. Maybe you’re penetrating him, you don’t have to look at his face/don’t want to look at his face, you want a threesome with another woman, he’s very feminine, etc. It might be a “straight fantasy” but you’ve altered it in a way straight people might not be totally interested in.

I don't think so, but I have very few fantasies where I imagine myself with anyone, I prefer to imagine other people having sex. No?

• Thinking because you don't like/pursue sex with men you must be asexual. Or vice versa with romance for men.

I did think I was demisexual at one point, does that count?

• Your fantasies about men give you intense distress or anxiety. They could be intrusive thoughts, forms of self-harm, or otherwise.

I don't think so? Certainly not "intense anxiety," no.

• When I think about guys, I think about all the things that I could tolerate doing with them (dating, kissing, sex, marriage), but always in terms of what I could force myself to do, not what I want to do.

No? I don't think so, but again I haven't dated, so.

• Being around guys that are interested in me gives me intense anxiety.

Kind of? Yes.

• Feeling weird/wrong calling your past boyfriends pet names or showing them PDA, but gladly showing your girl friends PDA.

N/A, but I've always been okay with showing an acceptible amount of pda to my friends, who are girls.

• Only being comfortable with sex with men if there’s an extreme power imbalance and your desires aren’t centred.

N/A Does only being interested in "intense" porn scenarios count?

• Using sex with men as a form of self-harm.

N/A

• You don’t have much of an emotional reaction to kissing or being otherwise physical with a man, or you even dislike/hate it.

N/A

• Feeling numb or dissociating or crying during/after sex with men (even if you don’t understand that reaction and/or think you’re fine and crying etc for no reason).

N/A

• Being bored with sex with men/not understanding what the big deal is that makes other women want it.

N/A

• Doing it anyway out of obligation or a desire to be a good sport/do something nice for him.

N/A

• Never/rarely having sexual fantasies about specific men, preferring to leave them as non-detailed as possible, or not thinking about men at all while fantasizing

Not never, but yes.

• Having to make a concerted effort to fantasize about the guy you’re “attracted” to.

Yes, usually.

• Early interest in women

I believe I had crushes on girls as young as 7-8, but I didn't recognize them as crushes at the time. I did feel more comfortable around girls when I was younger.

• Not recognizing past/current crushes on women until you’ve come to grips with your attraction to women.

Yes!

• Being unusually competitive, shy, or eager to impress specific women, when you’re not that way with anyone else.

Mmm, kind of? Maybe?

• Wanting to kiss your female best friend on the mouth for literally any reason (”to practice for boys” included)

No, I've never really wanted to do that, too afraid to come off as gay, I suppose. Also I've always wanted my first kiss to mean something, as cheesy as that sounds.

• Getting butterflies or feeling like you can’t get close enough when cuddling with a close female friend.

Yes.

• Looking at a close female friend and feeling something in your chest clench up and being overwhelmed with love for her - love you may read as platonic

Yes.

• Having had strong and abiding feelings of admiration for a specific female teacher, actor, etc., growing up that were deep and reverent

Possibly?

• Having had an unusually close relationship with a female friend growing up that was different and special in a way you couldn’t articulate

Yes, several times, but I already know I like women.

• Thinking relationships would be simpler “if only I were attracted to women/my best friend who would be perfect for me if she/I weren’t a girl”

Not particularly, no. But then again, I've never been in a relationship.

• When a female friend is treated badly by a man, having your protective thoughts turn in the direction of “if I was him/a man I’d never do that to her/my girlfriend!”

Yes, maybe?

• Being utterly fascinated by any lesbians you know/see in media and thinking they’re all ultra cool people

Utterly fascinated no, but I've definitely been fascinated with queer women in media. Let's say maybe.

• Having your favourite character in every show be that one gay-coded or butch-looking woman (like Shego from Kim Possible or Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica).

Sort of? Yes.

• Feeling weirdly guilty and uncomfortable in locker rooms etc., when your female friends are less clothed than they normally would be around men and being more careful not to look than they are.

I haven't been in a locker room since I was in high school, and I can't remember anything specific? Maybe? This definitely happened once when I was having a crush on a girl, and we had to dress/undress in the same space.